I have been asked to put up a list of things I want for Christmas/my birthday. So here it is for all of you who asked:

Gift Ideas For Me
(just in case you were wondering)

1. Better speakers for my computer (I really like the JBL Creature II Speakers - White by Mac)
2. More hard drive space
3. Printed pictures for my photo album (I really want pictures of you people and I can't afford the paper & my computer won't print them!)
4. Makeup (individual things like packs of eyeshadow, eyeliner, glitter (loose powder), lipstick/lip gloss, eyeliner, interesting nail polish that isn't a dark color especially silver or metallic, etc…) I like eyeshadow and nail polish that is interesting and unique. Oh, and NO eyeshadow that is blue or purple or any kind of neon color please… shimmery is good, just not unnaturally bright colors.
5. Lotion (preferably something that smells nice and non-fruity) ex: "Nivea Renewal Night Lotion", "Bath & Bodyworks midnight jasmine or Vanilla", I like things that are not too fruity and smell more like a light perfume.
6. Blank CD's & Covers
7. Earrings (I haven't bought some simple, pretty earrings since 7th grade. I like dangely ones the best, but casual ones are nice too)
8. Clothing (Although I'd like to go with when buying clothes unless you happen to find something I'd really like) Especially sweaters and more sophisticated looking clothing
9. Money
10. A Lovesack (or money to get one eventually?)
11. Christmas Lights (net lights would be good for the ceiling. Just anything that catches your eye and is pretty. Colors are fine, you know what colors I like)
12. FM transmitter for my iPod (This would be awesome 'cause I'd never have to buy another sterio!)
13. A New computer! (Yay! But I don't expect it to happen. Hahaha.) OR an external hardrive ('cause then I won't need one quite yet)
14. Cool decorating stuff from "The Afternoon" (This is a store in the 2nd level of Westroads. It's just full of cool useless stuff that I like)
15. A Shower rack (The kind that runs on a pole from the floor to the ceiling of the shower. Really nifty and it'd be a lot more practical! They have them at linen's & things)
16. Cooking Stuff for next semester (This can include cookbooks)
17. Posters (I like putting them up in my room… Anything from Monet to movie posters are good. No more kitty cats though…=P Art is nice. )
18. Gift Certificates (for food or stores, whatever, I don’t care)
18. Things for my hair (This is similar to the earring thing. I don't have pretty barrets, big/small hair clips, headbands, bobby pins, scrunchies, thick rubberbands, other cool hair accessories, you name it. I'd really like some pretty things to put in my hair for variety. It's long, so most everything should work!)
19. Stationary and/or pretty notepaper w/ envelopes
20. Stamps! Stamps! Stamps! (they're expensive here!)
21. Pretty stuff from the World Market (I like things from that store, they're fun) or any decorating store.
22. Decorative Pillows (the kind with sequins and designs on them)
23. Journal(s) (I like the kind that are elegantly decorated on the covers… also meaning that they're more expensive)
24. Nice/Expensive soap &/or bodywash (see qualifications for lotion. Hehe. The Afternoon has some really nice stuff.)
25. A trip out to one of my favorite restaurants: (JC Mandarin, Nothing But Noodles, Ahmads, Tokyo Kitchen, Delice, Vivaci, The Macaroni Grill, etc…) This could also include places I want to try like Charlie's on the Lake, Lo Solomio, or something else you think I'd like. =D
26. Socks (it's true, I'm out. I blame the dryer for eating them)
27. HUGS!!! ('Cmon this is essential!!!)
28. Chocolate!! (I will love you forever)
29. Car decorating stuff (the car is cool, but could it be cooler?… hehe.)
30. Good 'ol fashion lovin! (yeah baby yeah! What the world needs now is love!!)
31. DVD's (We college kids occasionally have some free time and that's when these come in handy)
32. Piano Music (preferably that is intermediate to mildly advanced)
33. CD's or iTunes music cards (I always want music that I don't have. hehe)
34. Flowers! (this would make me feel warm and fuzzy inside) =P
35. Coffee mugs (we drink a lot of hot chocolate & soup)
36. A larger CD case (for the cd's that won't fit in the one I already have)
37. A Tucan…. Yes… I want an exotic bird. I shall train it to be an attack Tucan.
The End.

teejnits: Guess what I've found ?
creativeoncommand: no idea
teejnits: A program that will make sure Windows NEVER has a problem again... ever! ?
creativeoncommand: LOL
creativeoncommand: NOT!
teejnits: LOL... TRUE
creativeoncommand: is it a pad and paper?
creativeoncommand: lol
creativeoncommand: i'm so funny
teejnits: After I customize and optimize Windows the way I want it... I install it and Windows will never screw up (it doesn't screw up anyway, people just don't always programm for Windows correctly)
teejnits: Keyword there... never
teejnits: I will never get a virus
creativeoncommand: I never get virises, and my computer hasn't had a problem in the 4 years i've had it...

For all you PC users:
MACS RULE!!!


You know those mornings when you wake up and the crotch of your pajamas is twisted all the way to the middle of your left leg, and then in the process of trying to detangle yourself you end up completely tangled in your clothing and bed sheets? Well I DO! But that is not why I brought that up. Today my suitemate used that analogy to describe the current state of her soul... To sum up: The crotch of her soul is out of alignment and she is frustrated by this... Ah yes, good old girl conversations. We also discussed those days when you feel like crying for no apparent reason. So you cry for like 20 minutes (just enough time for someone close to become worried about you) and when you're done you feel completely better... We girls don't even understand ourselves, and I sympathize with you men who can't figure us out. Yeah, being female isn't always all it's cracked up to be... Something funny Christy said the other day: (completely sarcastic tone of voice) "isn't it funny how we are inflicted with disease once a month?"... Well I thought it was funny. =D

Tomorrow is friday!!! Tomorrow is Friday!! It doesn't matter that my entire weekend will be filled with dress rehearsals and concerts, because tomorrow is friday! We have our dorm's winter formal banquet tomorrow night. I'm excited to get all dressed up and dance and eat real food, etc... but there is this shadow of a doubt in my mind that it won't be fun.. I dunno, I just can't shake it. Probably it has something to do with the fact that I don't have a date... I don't need a guy to have fun, but you always get a little lonely when you are surrounded by couples and you aren't one (I took that for granted for a long time) Oh well... Life goes on I suppose.

It has been called to my attention today that I am "incredibly small". To all you especially observant ones; yes, this is very true.. I have always been very small. This is not a recent development. Thank you for noticing. ;-)

By the way, I am now posting on http://www.god-only-knows.blogspot.com as well as on this site. Check it out sometime!

Well I love & miss you all! Talk to you later!

Slipping Away

Sometimes
I want to slip away
Beneath the cracks of the earth
Where no one can find me.
Where I can peacefully rest
Surrounded by the warm earth
Looking up at the world.

I want to fast foreward
To happier days
Where the sun shines
And the days aren't so cold and lonely
I want to be held closely
In a loved one's arms
To be motivated to succeed
And to have the wisdom and knowledge
That I so desperately desire.

Will I learn this time?
Am I hopelessly doomed to failure
By my tragic flaws?
Will I ever live up to
The potential
That I know God has given me?

I don't know.
But I do know
That this cycle must be
Short lived.
Or else I will eventually
Slip away
Into the cracks of the earth
And be forgotten.

well now I know what it feels like to be completely alone with your thoughts, and no one's around to talk to. I had a paper due today, but I seriously can't write anything. It's like i'm having writer's block, only to an extreme that I've never had it before. I need a distraction real fast or i'm gonna have to break something...

I am not usually the kind of person who can't think clearly in a bad situation... Alright, so i've been through some pretty dumb crap in my short time, but it takes a lot to get me this worked up... aaaaaarrrrgghhh... I hate feeling helpless.. and worse, I hate feeling guilty... and EVEN worse, I hate knowing that my own actions have caused people (ESPECIALLY the people I love the most) a lot of pain... I'm not depressed, I don't usually get depressed... But I do get extreme anxiety, and i'm kinda afraid i'm gonna work myself into an anxiety attack... Don't worry though. Seriously, there are plenty of people here, so i'm not gonna die or anything.

I have some serious issues that need to be worked out in my life. First on the list is "Dont you ever lie again to the people you love, even if you think you have good intentions. You are wrong!" I do actually repremand myself in my mind... i'm a little odd... Secondly, I need to figure out what the heck i'm so confused about... Even though I think I have a better idea, I still don't think I could verbalize what I think my problem is.... *makes frustrated noise and shifts in chair* I hate this... I hate it I hate it I hate it. I miss him, I need God, I can't control my thoughts, I can't concentrate, I feel guilty, I feel broken, I need to focus, I need to trust God, I need some kind of distraction, I need love, I want a hug, I need to let this go and give it up, but I can't. I am helpless...

At least I know that I don't know how I feel...

Hey look! My blog is turning into another excuse for another American to whine about her life...

Note to self: Stop whining and do something productive!!
Self: I'm trying darn it!!
I think i'm schitzophrenic or something.

Ok, time to break something. talk to you kids later.

Love you and God Bless

So today I was walking out of my dorm to go to my 11:30 class, not really paying attention to my surroundings. It was really foggy outside and I felt like I was walking into some kind of cold climate rainforest (is it called a Taiga?... maybe not..). Right. So I was walking down that ramp thing that is designed for wheel chairs and lazy people who can't walk up 3 stairs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move on the railing that was beside me, and there was this enormous squirl standing on it, on it's hind legs, starring at me.... Now I can't say i've seen too many squirls that close up before, but this was a big squirl. I would have pet it, but it was too creepy and large and beady-eyed. Now I kinda wish I had... Yup, that was the highlight of my day so far. I think i'll name him Bob. Bob the squirl.

Only a week till Thanksgiving!! I can't wait to eat real food!! The dining hall attempted to serve stuffing w/ chicken for lunch today, but I couldn't tell the stuffing from the chicken... It kinda looked like they threw it all into a blender and set it to liquidate. I've already lost about 10 lbs while at this school (which I could never afford to do in the first place!). Now I know that's not entirely because I'm not eating as much (I haven't been skating or doing any training), i've also lost muscle mass.. I miss being buff. lol. In 8th grade could do 230lbs on squats... the other day I did reps of 100. hmmmm. Time to get back in shape.. I do kinda like having my pants not being so tight in the legs though...

I've decided, after much consideration and a lot of brainwashing by Kyla, Angela, Christy, and Leah, that i'm gonna TRY growing out my bangs... I'm not really one of those people who is afraid of change, but the fact is that i've had my hair this way since... well I had long enough hair to have bangs... I don't know if i'll like it, or if i'll turn into frankenstein 'cause of my big forehead, but I guess i've been getting comments from people since the beginning of highschool telling me to grow them out. Girls are so stupidly insecure. lol. If they're right, and this style is making me look younger, then it needs to go. I can't afford to look any younger than I already do. haha.

I am considering going to seminary someday. I never thought i'd even dream of this, but something has changed me, and now I am thinking about it. I asked a Pastor if he had any advice for me. I told him the only reason I want to go is to gain more knowledge, not to be ordained, and he asked me what I was going to do with that knowledge... You'd think that'd be the first thing i'd consider wouldn't you? Well, fact is, I hadn't. I still don't know. I'm not a natural born leader by any means. I've considered turning my music ED degree into a "worship music" degree so I could be a worship leader, and so far, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. I do want to be a conductor someday. Plus, how could I not conduct music I write myself? *sigh* we'll see... i've just gotta relax a little, i'm thinking too much.

I've decided that my self esteem should be a heck of a lot higher than it is. I mean, come on, God has given me everything I need to be happy and healthy, I'm at a great college, I have great friends all over the country, a mostly happy family, decent grades, there are 2 boys that want to marry me. lol... I am happy, I guess I just need to remember everything that I have, and leave the rest to God... As for relationships, well only time and God will tell what happens there. As for now, i'm just gonna take one day at a time and see where i'm led. Life isn't supposed to be easy, (I can hear someone I know saying "duh!") but there are tricks to make it seem like it is...

Wow... long post. That doesn't happen often. ;-)
Well I love you guys!
See you soon, and God Bless!!

Looks at clock.. Looks at bed... wishes that there would be someone waiting peacefully in it already... continues to type anyway.

Since I was a little girl, i've dreamed of living my life with someone. I used to lie awake in bed trying (with one of those pure and admirable faiths that only small children possess) to imagine that I could see what he was doing that very moment. Maybe... just maybe... he was thinking of me too. Maybe he was trying to picture the girl he would spend the rest of his life with, or more likely, he was imagining Britney Spears in that little Catholic schoolgirl skirt while he gunned down the invading aliens from the planet Nemrod... Smiles.. Silly girls, little boys have the right idea...

Now that i'm older and more tired, now that faith is more complex, and my daydreams aren't so innocent, and the experiences i've had have shaped me into a more logical, fact-sucking (I like this word), self-pitying, closed-minded, self-righteous, BORING, and "mature" semi-adult, I look back at my niaveity and am jealous. I still dream of companionship, but it's so much more confusing.

I want to marry my best friend. The person who, at the end of the day, I can come to and we can laugh and talk about everything or nothing important. The one who, if my heart doubts some aspect of our relationship, my head immediately corrects it, and if those two fail, my soul wiill step in and remind me that it isn't quite complete without his. Are these romanticized ideas? Maybe, but they aren't far from the truth. Without these things, what is left of love?

There is something wonderful about relationships that I have seen where both people find their happiness first from God, and then share it with one another. It's like these people are never draining eachother dry, but instead, they are both full of love and because of that, they can always share it. They love eachother so strongly because they know that it is hard to find love the way theirs is. Neither is giving too much away to people/the other person, therefore how can it run dry? Isn't that a challenge. I envy those who see this everyday and take it for granted, because I want it so badly, and it is so hard for me to understand.

I want to be my husband's last comforting thought at the end of the long day, and at the same time, I want him to be mine. I anticipate the days where we go to sleep upset with eachother, and the possibly huge fights we will have as a result of 2 strong minds clashing. The iron sharpens the iron, but the swords will occasionally be drawn in a battle of the egos. But even this I am hopeful for because our mutual respect will force us into learning ways to understand eachother over time.

I guess I look at it this way: I will never have the innocence and naiveity I once had about love again, but will never give up my dreams. I know that through struggles, and through faith, and through sheer determination from both me and my future husband, we will end up with something more beautiful and more powerful then we could possibly imagine. And that's the truth.

I could probably lecture about this for hours, but it's already 2:21am, and I was up late last night studying for an exam. *yawns* Well... i'll talk to you guys soon.

Much Love and God Bless!!!

Superman (It's not easy)
Five For Fighting

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
I Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd...but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me
Up, up and away...away from me
It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy...or anything…
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It's not easy to be me.


This sounds like a lot of us right now...
I love you guys!