So today I was walking out of my dorm to go to my 11:30 class, not really paying attention to my surroundings. It was really foggy outside and I felt like I was walking into some kind of cold climate rainforest (is it called a Taiga?... maybe not..). Right. So I was walking down that ramp thing that is designed for wheel chairs and lazy people who can't walk up 3 stairs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move on the railing that was beside me, and there was this enormous squirl standing on it, on it's hind legs, starring at me.... Now I can't say i've seen too many squirls that close up before, but this was a big squirl. I would have pet it, but it was too creepy and large and beady-eyed. Now I kinda wish I had... Yup, that was the highlight of my day so far. I think i'll name him Bob. Bob the squirl.

Only a week till Thanksgiving!! I can't wait to eat real food!! The dining hall attempted to serve stuffing w/ chicken for lunch today, but I couldn't tell the stuffing from the chicken... It kinda looked like they threw it all into a blender and set it to liquidate. I've already lost about 10 lbs while at this school (which I could never afford to do in the first place!). Now I know that's not entirely because I'm not eating as much (I haven't been skating or doing any training), i've also lost muscle mass.. I miss being buff. lol. In 8th grade could do 230lbs on squats... the other day I did reps of 100. hmmmm. Time to get back in shape.. I do kinda like having my pants not being so tight in the legs though...

I've decided, after much consideration and a lot of brainwashing by Kyla, Angela, Christy, and Leah, that i'm gonna TRY growing out my bangs... I'm not really one of those people who is afraid of change, but the fact is that i've had my hair this way since... well I had long enough hair to have bangs... I don't know if i'll like it, or if i'll turn into frankenstein 'cause of my big forehead, but I guess i've been getting comments from people since the beginning of highschool telling me to grow them out. Girls are so stupidly insecure. lol. If they're right, and this style is making me look younger, then it needs to go. I can't afford to look any younger than I already do. haha.

I am considering going to seminary someday. I never thought i'd even dream of this, but something has changed me, and now I am thinking about it. I asked a Pastor if he had any advice for me. I told him the only reason I want to go is to gain more knowledge, not to be ordained, and he asked me what I was going to do with that knowledge... You'd think that'd be the first thing i'd consider wouldn't you? Well, fact is, I hadn't. I still don't know. I'm not a natural born leader by any means. I've considered turning my music ED degree into a "worship music" degree so I could be a worship leader, and so far, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. I do want to be a conductor someday. Plus, how could I not conduct music I write myself? *sigh* we'll see... i've just gotta relax a little, i'm thinking too much.

I've decided that my self esteem should be a heck of a lot higher than it is. I mean, come on, God has given me everything I need to be happy and healthy, I'm at a great college, I have great friends all over the country, a mostly happy family, decent grades, there are 2 boys that want to marry me. lol... I am happy, I guess I just need to remember everything that I have, and leave the rest to God... As for relationships, well only time and God will tell what happens there. As for now, i'm just gonna take one day at a time and see where i'm led. Life isn't supposed to be easy, (I can hear someone I know saying "duh!") but there are tricks to make it seem like it is...

Wow... long post. That doesn't happen often. ;-)
Well I love you guys!
See you soon, and God Bless!!

Looks at clock.. Looks at bed... wishes that there would be someone waiting peacefully in it already... continues to type anyway.

Since I was a little girl, i've dreamed of living my life with someone. I used to lie awake in bed trying (with one of those pure and admirable faiths that only small children possess) to imagine that I could see what he was doing that very moment. Maybe... just maybe... he was thinking of me too. Maybe he was trying to picture the girl he would spend the rest of his life with, or more likely, he was imagining Britney Spears in that little Catholic schoolgirl skirt while he gunned down the invading aliens from the planet Nemrod... Smiles.. Silly girls, little boys have the right idea...

Now that i'm older and more tired, now that faith is more complex, and my daydreams aren't so innocent, and the experiences i've had have shaped me into a more logical, fact-sucking (I like this word), self-pitying, closed-minded, self-righteous, BORING, and "mature" semi-adult, I look back at my niaveity and am jealous. I still dream of companionship, but it's so much more confusing.

I want to marry my best friend. The person who, at the end of the day, I can come to and we can laugh and talk about everything or nothing important. The one who, if my heart doubts some aspect of our relationship, my head immediately corrects it, and if those two fail, my soul wiill step in and remind me that it isn't quite complete without his. Are these romanticized ideas? Maybe, but they aren't far from the truth. Without these things, what is left of love?

There is something wonderful about relationships that I have seen where both people find their happiness first from God, and then share it with one another. It's like these people are never draining eachother dry, but instead, they are both full of love and because of that, they can always share it. They love eachother so strongly because they know that it is hard to find love the way theirs is. Neither is giving too much away to people/the other person, therefore how can it run dry? Isn't that a challenge. I envy those who see this everyday and take it for granted, because I want it so badly, and it is so hard for me to understand.

I want to be my husband's last comforting thought at the end of the long day, and at the same time, I want him to be mine. I anticipate the days where we go to sleep upset with eachother, and the possibly huge fights we will have as a result of 2 strong minds clashing. The iron sharpens the iron, but the swords will occasionally be drawn in a battle of the egos. But even this I am hopeful for because our mutual respect will force us into learning ways to understand eachother over time.

I guess I look at it this way: I will never have the innocence and naiveity I once had about love again, but will never give up my dreams. I know that through struggles, and through faith, and through sheer determination from both me and my future husband, we will end up with something more beautiful and more powerful then we could possibly imagine. And that's the truth.

I could probably lecture about this for hours, but it's already 2:21am, and I was up late last night studying for an exam. *yawns* Well... i'll talk to you guys soon.

Much Love and God Bless!!!

Superman (It's not easy)
Five For Fighting

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
I Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd...but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me
Up, up and away...away from me
It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy...or anything…
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It's not easy to be me.


This sounds like a lot of us right now...
I love you guys!