Ok so I did what Wittwer said and copied this survey. Yay! I feel like i'm in middle school again! woot! This could take awhile... I need a life.
HAVE YOU EVER...
1. Kissed your cousin: eeew... He reads this too...
2.Ran away: yes. I pulled my little red wagon all the way to the park before running home in tears.
3: There is no number 3 =(
4: Skipped School: uh... No? Actually no.... dang it!
5: Broken someone's heart: no comment...
6: Alas there is no # 6 either. =(
7: Cried when someone died: yes
8: Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: of course not! I'm a SUPERMODEL! *gag*
9: Broken a bone : 2 toes
10: Done something embarrassing: Moi? psh!! the question is when am I not doing something embarrassing...
11:Lied: no (that is a lie, so yes)
12: Cried in school: mmmmm... that would be a yes
WHICH IS BETTER...
13: Coke or Pepsi: Coke all the way
14: Sprite or 7up: Dude, Sprite! who drinks 7up?
15: Girls or Guys: hmmmm... well if we are talking about sex than i'm going with guys... for girly time, then girls... simple concept really.
16: Flowers or Candy: gonna have to go with flowers.
17: Scruffy or clean shaven: probably clean shaven... but fuzzy can be fun
18. Blondes or Brunettes: how 'bout I let you guess ;-)
19. Bitchy or Slutty: for me? Slutty? usually neither
20. Tall or short: short people will rule the world once again!
21. Pants or shorts: pants... sorry TJ. =P
22. Night or Day: definately night. *looks innocent*
THE LAST TIME YOU...
26. (Yeah I don't know, apparently 23, 24, and 25 fell off the face of the earth) . Anyhow, the last time you showered: actually about 3 hours ago.
27. Stepped outside: 5:30pm for dinner
28. Got on the computer: are you retarded?
ABOUT YOU...
30. (apparently 29 isn't loved enough, well I love ya number 29!)
Your Good luck charm: a kiss?
31. Person you hate most: I don't hate anyone that I can think of.
32. Best thing that has happened: I don't know? There are so many that i'm thankful for!
33. On your desk there is: A letter from Wittwer. yay! woot! pictures, assorted desk materials, and my computer.
34. Picture on your destop: it was a picture of my kitty Mozart! now it's a picture from the middle ages of courtly love. it's pretty!
FAVORITE...
35. Color: blue and green or a mix!
36.Movie: oh man I do not even know where to start.
37. Band: lol yeah Wittwer! the Disgruntled Pink Fuzzies will prevail!
39. (poor # 38) Ice Cream: oooh DEFINATELY chocolate w/ peanut butter
41. (Alas # 40) Food: Chinese food... oh yeah baby. it's orgasmic! yes I said ORGASMic!! hehehehehe
DO YOU EVER...
55. (Hey whoa now! We skipped 42-54! Did you even consider their feelings?) Wear cologne: only if it were to rub off on me from a boy I was with?
MORE ABOUT YOU...
83. (WHAT?! But...but you...YOU SKIPPED ALL THOSE POOR INNOCENT NUMBERS! 56-82 I mourn you.)
Have Tattoos?: Nah.. not that daring yet...
84. Have piercings?: earrings
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: that would be a negative.
86. Own a webcam?: nope, want one? yes.
87. Own a thong?: psh! duh!
88. Ever get off the computer?: only when I stay somewhere where I can't take it.
89. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?: um... nein?
90. Habla Espanol?: si, mas o menos
92. (Bah there they go skipping again! And we were doing so well! Sorry # 91) Stolen anything?: once in kindergarden I stole a game piece and felt horribly guilty for taking it... so much so that I carried it back to the teacher crying... yes yes I am pathetic.
Even MORE About You...
102. (ACK! That's a whole 10 you skipped pal!) Fears: Scary water (insert definition here), rejection, spiders (ibbly gibblies), demonic stuff, living life alone.
103. Pets: fishies, Jenny (my dog), Max (gray kitty), Midnight (black kitty), Mozart (siamese kitty).
104: Favorite animal: Wolves, Tucan
105: How much do you love your job: What is this work you speak of? muah hahahaha!
106: Favorite vacation spot: so far? London! and I have to say Virginia Beach and Orlando.
107. Stolen Any traffic signs? nope i'm way too innocent
108. Favorite smell: Gonna have to go with nice smelling boy... mmm yes.
109. Favorite thing to do to relax: Write, sing, play piano, write music, be held, sex anyone? hehehehe. kidding kidding.
Well it's been fun kids, but it's time to go do something productive now. See ya'll later!
February 12, 2005
February 09, 2005
God is Amazing...
I took a mental health day today.
Skipped 2 classes and slept and prayed until lunch time.
I feel so much better... in fact, i've found new direction in life. I am not looking for a relationship anymore. This is the time of my life where I will make a lot of friends, develop relationships, and grow spiritually and mentally into an adult.... and eventually i'll be ready for love again. Yes, i'm not giving up don't worry.
I signed up for counciling today. I also decided to change my major. Yup, change my major. I am no longer studying music as anything but an interest. In fact, i'm dropping music theory as soon as possible. I woke up this morning a more mature person, and I feel more in tune with myself and with God. I realized that, while music is my passion, my real joy in life is people... and of course, God. I am now thinking of double majoring in Religion and Psychology. Most of you won't be surprised (my guess). This opens up so many doors for me. I can finally do what has always been my passion: helping people, and combine that with my fascination with God and theology.
My problem has just been me mis-placing my insight. Instead of studying and enhancing whatever talent God has given me, i've been putting it into relationships that I/other people are not ready for. Really hurts now, but at least I understand. I have my own emotional baggage to take care of before I can be in a serious relationship... and I can't be with anyone else with serious emotional problems. I have some hope now... I don't understand how God does it, but I begged for some answers and I got them overnight. Doesn't always happen that way... but I'm glad I got them at the beginning of the semester.
I hope now I can sit here and be patient, and my drive to find love can be put on hold for awhile. This is for sure though: I'm not gonna fall fast anymore. I've gotta learn to put up some kind of barrier around my heart so I don't fall so hard.
By the way, I love you Wittwer! You are my best friend and I appeciate all the love and support you give me... even when I don't always tell you what's going on. Sorry 'bout that. I love you always!
This coming to you from the freed heart of a greatful Christian,
Love you all!
Skipped 2 classes and slept and prayed until lunch time.
I feel so much better... in fact, i've found new direction in life. I am not looking for a relationship anymore. This is the time of my life where I will make a lot of friends, develop relationships, and grow spiritually and mentally into an adult.... and eventually i'll be ready for love again. Yes, i'm not giving up don't worry.
I signed up for counciling today. I also decided to change my major. Yup, change my major. I am no longer studying music as anything but an interest. In fact, i'm dropping music theory as soon as possible. I woke up this morning a more mature person, and I feel more in tune with myself and with God. I realized that, while music is my passion, my real joy in life is people... and of course, God. I am now thinking of double majoring in Religion and Psychology. Most of you won't be surprised (my guess). This opens up so many doors for me. I can finally do what has always been my passion: helping people, and combine that with my fascination with God and theology.
My problem has just been me mis-placing my insight. Instead of studying and enhancing whatever talent God has given me, i've been putting it into relationships that I/other people are not ready for. Really hurts now, but at least I understand. I have my own emotional baggage to take care of before I can be in a serious relationship... and I can't be with anyone else with serious emotional problems. I have some hope now... I don't understand how God does it, but I begged for some answers and I got them overnight. Doesn't always happen that way... but I'm glad I got them at the beginning of the semester.
I hope now I can sit here and be patient, and my drive to find love can be put on hold for awhile. This is for sure though: I'm not gonna fall fast anymore. I've gotta learn to put up some kind of barrier around my heart so I don't fall so hard.
By the way, I love you Wittwer! You are my best friend and I appeciate all the love and support you give me... even when I don't always tell you what's going on. Sorry 'bout that. I love you always!
This coming to you from the freed heart of a greatful Christian,
Love you all!
Broken
I waited up all night for you
Knowing you would never come
Somehow you're not the one I loved
The one I knew wouldn't turn away
What of the love you spoke of before?
What about the commitment to the one?
Was it really so much to ask,
For you to wait for my assurance to come?
I don't understand
I don't
I just don't understand
I thought you were my only one
I used to believe our problems
Were fleeting and short lived
On those nights when you held me close
I hadn't a doubt in my mind
I believed because I believed in you
But suddenly you changed your mind
Because you do not understand
You were the only one
Who gave me hope
But now I stand outside
Your heart's door
It hurts to know
That love can't find a way
It hurts to know
I gave you everything
I had left
It terrifies me to be with someone else.
So now I sit
And tear myself apart
I am angry
And completely sorry
At the same time
I thought this was true?
You said it was
And I trusted you
For so long
My support is gone
And my love with it
Now it seems
I can't forget you
How could I be so stupid
As to give away my heart?
I can sit here and cry
Like I have all night
Wishing only for that hope again
But I don't know
If I can ever get it back
You had me
Have me
And all I can do
Is sit here and realize
That my heart will always sit
In the corner you leave it in
Dreaming of better days
Because now I realize
That it's too late
To save myself.
Knowing you would never come
Somehow you're not the one I loved
The one I knew wouldn't turn away
What of the love you spoke of before?
What about the commitment to the one?
Was it really so much to ask,
For you to wait for my assurance to come?
I don't understand
I don't
I just don't understand
I thought you were my only one
I used to believe our problems
Were fleeting and short lived
On those nights when you held me close
I hadn't a doubt in my mind
I believed because I believed in you
But suddenly you changed your mind
Because you do not understand
You were the only one
Who gave me hope
But now I stand outside
Your heart's door
It hurts to know
That love can't find a way
It hurts to know
I gave you everything
I had left
It terrifies me to be with someone else.
So now I sit
And tear myself apart
I am angry
And completely sorry
At the same time
I thought this was true?
You said it was
And I trusted you
For so long
My support is gone
And my love with it
Now it seems
I can't forget you
How could I be so stupid
As to give away my heart?
I can sit here and cry
Like I have all night
Wishing only for that hope again
But I don't know
If I can ever get it back
You had me
Have me
And all I can do
Is sit here and realize
That my heart will always sit
In the corner you leave it in
Dreaming of better days
Because now I realize
That it's too late
To save myself.
February 08, 2005
Screw Hope. Screw the World.
Isn't it funny how sometimes a bad past can lead to hope for such a long time? I honestly believed that there could be beauty in love. God it hurts for someone who has so much hope to be crushed because of her own stupid dreams. I had hope. I've always been the one who has hope. WHY? I'm the person who has seen so much shit, and learned so much from it, and hopes that what she has learned will save her from the very situation that she has seen. It took so damn long to trust, and now it's broken again. Damn it all.
I honestly don't think i've ever been so angry in my life. I've only lost my temper a few times in an argument, but this time I really lost it. Probably a combination of things made me that way: I learned that all hope I had left had to be killed. That was like a slap in the face because I loved them, and then found out that apparently it wasn't worth entertaining the idea of possibly being with me in the future. Then, the one thing that I thought God had been pushing me to discuss didn't matter. I've made no positive difference what-so-ever. All i've done is cause pain. I think the last thing is what made me completely loose it. It just made me feel like i'd literally put all of myself into one person and now all my hope was pointless and I couldn't even tell them what God had put on my heart to say. I'm basically heart-broken, shattered, broken.. whatever word you want to use. I don't think i've been hurt this badly in this way ever in my life. The only fricking thing that makes me happy is making some kind of positive difference in the lives of the people I love. THE ONLY THING!! Now I just feel completely useless, and that is the only thing that has ever been known to make me completely loose my temper.
I suppose God did this for a reason. He did, afterall, give me something to say... Can't say that I handled the rejection well though... I am sorry for that. I can't believe I rejected my compassion for a few minutes.... That's definately a first, and I don't want to do it again. Seriously, I think something broke up there. I've never actually been able to say to someone "I don't care about your problems anymore", and for a brief minute... I actually did think that. The thought is gone now, but I still just feel... broken, even a little betrayed. I guess that stems from the rejection thing.
Please pray for me, I don't know what to have hope in anymore... I don't trust love AT ALL. I trust God, and that is just about all. I believe there is someone out there for me sometime in the future, but I'm so scared of being hurt/rejected.
Screw relationships. I obviously can't trust love.
I honestly don't think i've ever been so angry in my life. I've only lost my temper a few times in an argument, but this time I really lost it. Probably a combination of things made me that way: I learned that all hope I had left had to be killed. That was like a slap in the face because I loved them, and then found out that apparently it wasn't worth entertaining the idea of possibly being with me in the future. Then, the one thing that I thought God had been pushing me to discuss didn't matter. I've made no positive difference what-so-ever. All i've done is cause pain. I think the last thing is what made me completely loose it. It just made me feel like i'd literally put all of myself into one person and now all my hope was pointless and I couldn't even tell them what God had put on my heart to say. I'm basically heart-broken, shattered, broken.. whatever word you want to use. I don't think i've been hurt this badly in this way ever in my life. The only fricking thing that makes me happy is making some kind of positive difference in the lives of the people I love. THE ONLY THING!! Now I just feel completely useless, and that is the only thing that has ever been known to make me completely loose my temper.
I suppose God did this for a reason. He did, afterall, give me something to say... Can't say that I handled the rejection well though... I am sorry for that. I can't believe I rejected my compassion for a few minutes.... That's definately a first, and I don't want to do it again. Seriously, I think something broke up there. I've never actually been able to say to someone "I don't care about your problems anymore", and for a brief minute... I actually did think that. The thought is gone now, but I still just feel... broken, even a little betrayed. I guess that stems from the rejection thing.
Please pray for me, I don't know what to have hope in anymore... I don't trust love AT ALL. I trust God, and that is just about all. I believe there is someone out there for me sometime in the future, but I'm so scared of being hurt/rejected.
Screw relationships. I obviously can't trust love.
February 07, 2005
Chicago CD!
This doesn't really have to do with anything... But I just got a new Chicago CD and I really liked this song. It definately applies.
As my life goes on I believe
Somehow something’s changed
Something deep inside
Ooh a part of me
There’s a strange new light in my eyes
Things I’ve never known
Changin’ my life
Changin’ me
I’ve been searchin’
So long
To find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Ow oh
Now I see myself as I am
Feeling very free
Life is everything
Ooh it’s meant to be
When my tears have come to an end
I will understand
What I left behind
Part of me
I’ve been searching
So long
To find and answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Woah woah
Searching
Don’t you know I’m hell yeah
For an answer
To the question
Oh yeah
For our minds
Baby
Baby it’s true
It’s only natural
It’s only natural baby, yeah
Good things
In life
Take a long time
Yeah yeah
As my life goes on I believe
Somehow something’s changed
Something deep inside
Ooh a part of me
There’s a strange new light in my eyes
Things I’ve never known
Changin’ my life
Changin’ me
I’ve been searchin’
So long
To find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Ow oh
Now I see myself as I am
Feeling very free
Life is everything
Ooh it’s meant to be
When my tears have come to an end
I will understand
What I left behind
Part of me
I’ve been searching
So long
To find and answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Woah woah
Searching
Don’t you know I’m hell yeah
For an answer
To the question
Oh yeah
For our minds
Baby
Baby it’s true
It’s only natural
It’s only natural baby, yeah
Good things
In life
Take a long time
Yeah yeah
Go Patriots!
Yah!! woot! The team I was going for won! Actually I really didn't care so much, but I had fun yesterday anyways. hehe. The commercials were dissapointing though.... meh. And I almost won Red ball! Not bad for only learning a few days ago!
The Love sac is back!! yay! We negotiated the terms of it's release from NVW. So far, all we have to do is bake them cookies... Which is not so bad since they did carry it back to our dorm for us. I'm surprised at how much fun i've had over this weekend. I was expecting to be bummed, but God didn't let it turn out that way. Wierdly, we did spend almost all of our time in Jon and Evan's dorm, but I suppose that's ok. hehe. We have new friends! Next weekend is our floor retreat, and i'm excited for that. Hopefully the week after we're going skiing/snowboarding at a local place that charges $9 for lift tickets. It's exciting to finally have friends who like to ski!
Thank you to all of you who are praying for TJ and I and our situations. I appreciate it, and I'm sure he does as well. So far though, I think both of us (from what I can tell) are fairing really well (which is a nice surprise).
Well, I might post a little more later, but for now I have to go to sociology. I love you all! Take care and God bless!!
Love,
Laura
The Love sac is back!! yay! We negotiated the terms of it's release from NVW. So far, all we have to do is bake them cookies... Which is not so bad since they did carry it back to our dorm for us. I'm surprised at how much fun i've had over this weekend. I was expecting to be bummed, but God didn't let it turn out that way. Wierdly, we did spend almost all of our time in Jon and Evan's dorm, but I suppose that's ok. hehe. We have new friends! Next weekend is our floor retreat, and i'm excited for that. Hopefully the week after we're going skiing/snowboarding at a local place that charges $9 for lift tickets. It's exciting to finally have friends who like to ski!
Thank you to all of you who are praying for TJ and I and our situations. I appreciate it, and I'm sure he does as well. So far though, I think both of us (from what I can tell) are fairing really well (which is a nice surprise).
Well, I might post a little more later, but for now I have to go to sociology. I love you all! Take care and God bless!!
Love,
Laura
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