Honestly, I think i'm going to be sick.
For a good while now i've been uploading pictures onto a webpage so that my family & friends can have a look into my life here in college. Its worked out great for a long time, and I still put pictures up there for this blog and for others. Lately though, there has been this outpouring of porn onto this site. I'm sure its always been there and i'm just now noticing it (i'm really not that naive). The thing that makes me sick is that these people keep sending me invitations to become friends with them, and when I look at their profile all this ameatur porn comes up. And it keeps getting worse. Today there was a page with an obese ugly woman on it in very little clothing (not porn but just... eew...). She was posing in these photos, and men would leave comments about the pictures... Really gross comments. If you went and looked at these men's profiles, most of them were married (and their wives weren't by any means ugly) with pictures of their families on their webpages. Now i'm not floored by all this. A long time ago I learned just exactly how big and popular porn is. The numbers are something like 1 in 3 or 4 are addicted (men that is) have a serious problem with it. So generally, though its really painful to watch, i'm sympathetic because I see the trend. That web page though... *shivers*.. I just don't get. The pictures made me sick already, but realizing that the guys who were leaving those comments were my friends and mentors.... Just makes me really hurt and angry. I want to tell every one of them that they're fake and I never should have looked up to them... Of course I'd never manage to say all that. I'd end up sobbing... This is a little strange for me, I know, I don't usually get this way.
People have told me that this stuff isn't personal. It's not about me. I don't buy that at all. It is about me. Its telling me that i'm not good enough. Its not good enough just to be the person I am and hold a guy's attention. They take something meant to be beautiful and selfless and make it into a self-absorbed addiction. More more more more. What the hell? It just makes me so frustrated. Maybe it's because its not something I can help. Its not about me. Maybe thats it. It somehow implies that I have failed; that love fails. These people (both the viewers and the publishers) go against what I stand for, and destroy the things I value and work so hard to uphold. They destroy people and they destroy relationships.
I really haven't been angry in a long time, but today i'm angry about this.
I'm sorry if this is something you struggle with. I'm not here to make you feel worse about something you already regret, and I support you in your efforts. If you are reading this and don't understand what i'm saying or why i'm upset, I'm sorry for your confusion. But if you can sit there and say to yourself that porn is in no way related to love then i'm going to disagree with you. Is sex related to love? yes. Its not casual and impersonal, its about loving another person. If you're telling someone you love them and then getting ahold of porn for your own purposes, then you'd better re-examine your first statement.
*sigh* alright. Well i'm going to stop raving for now. talk to you soon!
Laura
