Slipping Away

Sometimes
I want to slip away
Beneath the cracks of the earth
Where no one can find me.
Where I can peacefully rest
Surrounded by the warm earth
Looking up at the world.

I want to fast foreward
To happier days
Where the sun shines
And the days aren't so cold and lonely
I want to be held closely
In a loved one's arms
To be motivated to succeed
And to have the wisdom and knowledge
That I so desperately desire.

Will I learn this time?
Am I hopelessly doomed to failure
By my tragic flaws?
Will I ever live up to
The potential
That I know God has given me?

I don't know.
But I do know
That this cycle must be
Short lived.
Or else I will eventually
Slip away
Into the cracks of the earth
And be forgotten.

well now I know what it feels like to be completely alone with your thoughts, and no one's around to talk to. I had a paper due today, but I seriously can't write anything. It's like i'm having writer's block, only to an extreme that I've never had it before. I need a distraction real fast or i'm gonna have to break something...

I am not usually the kind of person who can't think clearly in a bad situation... Alright, so i've been through some pretty dumb crap in my short time, but it takes a lot to get me this worked up... aaaaaarrrrgghhh... I hate feeling helpless.. and worse, I hate feeling guilty... and EVEN worse, I hate knowing that my own actions have caused people (ESPECIALLY the people I love the most) a lot of pain... I'm not depressed, I don't usually get depressed... But I do get extreme anxiety, and i'm kinda afraid i'm gonna work myself into an anxiety attack... Don't worry though. Seriously, there are plenty of people here, so i'm not gonna die or anything.

I have some serious issues that need to be worked out in my life. First on the list is "Dont you ever lie again to the people you love, even if you think you have good intentions. You are wrong!" I do actually repremand myself in my mind... i'm a little odd... Secondly, I need to figure out what the heck i'm so confused about... Even though I think I have a better idea, I still don't think I could verbalize what I think my problem is.... *makes frustrated noise and shifts in chair* I hate this... I hate it I hate it I hate it. I miss him, I need God, I can't control my thoughts, I can't concentrate, I feel guilty, I feel broken, I need to focus, I need to trust God, I need some kind of distraction, I need love, I want a hug, I need to let this go and give it up, but I can't. I am helpless...

At least I know that I don't know how I feel...

Hey look! My blog is turning into another excuse for another American to whine about her life...

Note to self: Stop whining and do something productive!!
Self: I'm trying darn it!!
I think i'm schitzophrenic or something.

Ok, time to break something. talk to you kids later.

Love you and God Bless

So today I was walking out of my dorm to go to my 11:30 class, not really paying attention to my surroundings. It was really foggy outside and I felt like I was walking into some kind of cold climate rainforest (is it called a Taiga?... maybe not..). Right. So I was walking down that ramp thing that is designed for wheel chairs and lazy people who can't walk up 3 stairs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move on the railing that was beside me, and there was this enormous squirl standing on it, on it's hind legs, starring at me.... Now I can't say i've seen too many squirls that close up before, but this was a big squirl. I would have pet it, but it was too creepy and large and beady-eyed. Now I kinda wish I had... Yup, that was the highlight of my day so far. I think i'll name him Bob. Bob the squirl.

Only a week till Thanksgiving!! I can't wait to eat real food!! The dining hall attempted to serve stuffing w/ chicken for lunch today, but I couldn't tell the stuffing from the chicken... It kinda looked like they threw it all into a blender and set it to liquidate. I've already lost about 10 lbs while at this school (which I could never afford to do in the first place!). Now I know that's not entirely because I'm not eating as much (I haven't been skating or doing any training), i've also lost muscle mass.. I miss being buff. lol. In 8th grade could do 230lbs on squats... the other day I did reps of 100. hmmmm. Time to get back in shape.. I do kinda like having my pants not being so tight in the legs though...

I've decided, after much consideration and a lot of brainwashing by Kyla, Angela, Christy, and Leah, that i'm gonna TRY growing out my bangs... I'm not really one of those people who is afraid of change, but the fact is that i've had my hair this way since... well I had long enough hair to have bangs... I don't know if i'll like it, or if i'll turn into frankenstein 'cause of my big forehead, but I guess i've been getting comments from people since the beginning of highschool telling me to grow them out. Girls are so stupidly insecure. lol. If they're right, and this style is making me look younger, then it needs to go. I can't afford to look any younger than I already do. haha.

I am considering going to seminary someday. I never thought i'd even dream of this, but something has changed me, and now I am thinking about it. I asked a Pastor if he had any advice for me. I told him the only reason I want to go is to gain more knowledge, not to be ordained, and he asked me what I was going to do with that knowledge... You'd think that'd be the first thing i'd consider wouldn't you? Well, fact is, I hadn't. I still don't know. I'm not a natural born leader by any means. I've considered turning my music ED degree into a "worship music" degree so I could be a worship leader, and so far, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. I do want to be a conductor someday. Plus, how could I not conduct music I write myself? *sigh* we'll see... i've just gotta relax a little, i'm thinking too much.

I've decided that my self esteem should be a heck of a lot higher than it is. I mean, come on, God has given me everything I need to be happy and healthy, I'm at a great college, I have great friends all over the country, a mostly happy family, decent grades, there are 2 boys that want to marry me. lol... I am happy, I guess I just need to remember everything that I have, and leave the rest to God... As for relationships, well only time and God will tell what happens there. As for now, i'm just gonna take one day at a time and see where i'm led. Life isn't supposed to be easy, (I can hear someone I know saying "duh!") but there are tricks to make it seem like it is...

Wow... long post. That doesn't happen often. ;-)
Well I love you guys!
See you soon, and God Bless!!

Looks at clock.. Looks at bed... wishes that there would be someone waiting peacefully in it already... continues to type anyway.

Since I was a little girl, i've dreamed of living my life with someone. I used to lie awake in bed trying (with one of those pure and admirable faiths that only small children possess) to imagine that I could see what he was doing that very moment. Maybe... just maybe... he was thinking of me too. Maybe he was trying to picture the girl he would spend the rest of his life with, or more likely, he was imagining Britney Spears in that little Catholic schoolgirl skirt while he gunned down the invading aliens from the planet Nemrod... Smiles.. Silly girls, little boys have the right idea...

Now that i'm older and more tired, now that faith is more complex, and my daydreams aren't so innocent, and the experiences i've had have shaped me into a more logical, fact-sucking (I like this word), self-pitying, closed-minded, self-righteous, BORING, and "mature" semi-adult, I look back at my niaveity and am jealous. I still dream of companionship, but it's so much more confusing.

I want to marry my best friend. The person who, at the end of the day, I can come to and we can laugh and talk about everything or nothing important. The one who, if my heart doubts some aspect of our relationship, my head immediately corrects it, and if those two fail, my soul wiill step in and remind me that it isn't quite complete without his. Are these romanticized ideas? Maybe, but they aren't far from the truth. Without these things, what is left of love?

There is something wonderful about relationships that I have seen where both people find their happiness first from God, and then share it with one another. It's like these people are never draining eachother dry, but instead, they are both full of love and because of that, they can always share it. They love eachother so strongly because they know that it is hard to find love the way theirs is. Neither is giving too much away to people/the other person, therefore how can it run dry? Isn't that a challenge. I envy those who see this everyday and take it for granted, because I want it so badly, and it is so hard for me to understand.

I want to be my husband's last comforting thought at the end of the long day, and at the same time, I want him to be mine. I anticipate the days where we go to sleep upset with eachother, and the possibly huge fights we will have as a result of 2 strong minds clashing. The iron sharpens the iron, but the swords will occasionally be drawn in a battle of the egos. But even this I am hopeful for because our mutual respect will force us into learning ways to understand eachother over time.

I guess I look at it this way: I will never have the innocence and naiveity I once had about love again, but will never give up my dreams. I know that through struggles, and through faith, and through sheer determination from both me and my future husband, we will end up with something more beautiful and more powerful then we could possibly imagine. And that's the truth.

I could probably lecture about this for hours, but it's already 2:21am, and I was up late last night studying for an exam. *yawns* Well... i'll talk to you guys soon.

Much Love and God Bless!!!

Superman (It's not easy)
Five For Fighting

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
I Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd...but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me
Up, up and away...away from me
It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy...or anything…
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It's not easy to be me.


This sounds like a lot of us right now...
I love you guys!

Good Verses....


The Lord answered: "Could a mother forget a child who nurses at her breast? Could she fail to love an infant who came from her own body? Even if a mother could forget, I will never forget you. A picture of your city is drawn on my hand. You are always on my thoughts! Isaiah 49:15-16

The Lord doesn't hate or despise the helpless in all of their troubles. When I cried out, he listened and did not turn away. Psalm 22:24

Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice. Psalm 51:17

You can throw the whole weight of your anxieties upon him, for you are his personal concern. 1 Peter 5:7

Our holy God lives forever in the highest heavens, and this is what he says:
Though I live high above in the holy place, I am here to help those who are humble and depend only on me." Isaiah 57:15

The Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath. Deuteronomy 4:31

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying, "Destroy him!" Deuteronomy 33:27

Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will recieve me. Psalm 27:10

Quiet down before God, be prayerful before Him. Don't bother with those who climbe the ladder, who elbow their way to the top. Psalm 37:7

"A thief is there only to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of." John 10:10

You're the closest of all to me, God, and all your judgements are true. I've known all along from the evidence of your words that you meant them to last forever. Psalm 119:150-151

I am ready for anything through the strength of the One who lives within me. Phillipians 4:13

I praise you, Lord for being my guide. Even in the darkest night, your teachings fill my mind. I will always look to you, as you stand beside me and protect me from fear. Psalm 16:7-8

Ask me, and I will tell you things that you don't know and can't find out. Jeremiah 33:3

How can a young person have a clean life? By carefully reading the map of your Word. I'm single minded in pursuit of you; don't let me miss the road signs you've posted. I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart so I won't sin myself bankrupt. Psalm 119:9-11

"Don't you see that whatever goes INTO the mouth passes into the stomach and then out of the body altogether? But the things that come OUT of a man's mouth come from his heart and mind, and it is they that really make a man unclean. For it is from a man's mind that evil thoughts arise-- murder, adultry, lust, theft, perjury and slander. These are the things which make a man unclean, not eating without washing his hands properly!" Matthew 15:17-20

Create pure thoughts in me and make me faithful again. Don't chase me away from you or take your Holy Spirit away from me. Make me as happy as you did when you saved me; make me want to obey! Psalm 51:10-12

Christ died once for our sins. An innocent person died for those who are guilty. Christ did this to bring you to God, when His body was put to death and his spirit was made alive. 1 Peter 3:18

But when the kindness and love of God our savior dawned upon us, he saved us in his mercy-- not by virtue of any moral achievement of ours, but by the cleansing power of a new birth and the renewal of the Holy Spirit, which He poured upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. The result is that we are acquitted by his grace, and can look foreward in hope to inheriting life eternal. Titus 3:4-8

As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is His love to those who fear him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has seperated us from our sins. Psalm 103:12

"Keep alert and pray. Otherwise temptation will overpower you. For though the spirit is willing enough, the body is weak." Mark 14:38

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26



Goodnight guys!!! Know that I really do love you all, even though I can't be there all the time... And of course... God loves you always, all the time, no matter how bad life and/or you get... I miss you guys.. and i'm praying for you. I hope maybe one of these says something to you...
*giant hug

Ever been walking down the road on a perfectly beautiful day thinking "everything is great, the future seems hopeful, and you're perfectly happy"... and then you get struck by lightening?
I have... It's not pretty.


Truth Seeker

You are Lord
And I fall in awe.
Your glory surpasses all
That I ever could have imagined

My eyes have been opened
And now I see
How vast and complex
You truly can be
Yet even still,
There are times
I sing your name
Filled simply
With uncontainable joy.

Like Solomon I asked
For wisdom
And your answer was yes
How could I know
The burden I would carry
The love that would grow
The life that would change
So suddenly
At the wave of your hand

But this request comes at a price
That I am terrified to guess at.

You are a just God.
And one dream may be
Substituted for another.
Will you take away
The only other desire
Of my heart
So that I can love you more?

Long ago
I asked you for a love
So strong
That it would surpass everything
I have ever known.

To live a life alone
Is my greatest fear.

Oh Lord please, no!
I beg you!
My heart is breaking
Torn between
It's only desires.
Do you see these tears?
They do not wash away
The pain.
Just thinking about
How life would be.

You are truly
The desire of my heart.
My mind longs for knowledge
And wisdom
And every precious thing
That you are.

I will be
A light unto your world
A caretaker of your people and your creation
A warrior of righteousness
Fighting anything in your path
And a truth seeker;
Always seeking your light
In the darkest places,
Learning your truths
And bringing them into the world

You remember the little girl?
Desperate, begging.
You knew the desire in her heart.
Yet you created in her
A desire for your wisdom.

The little girl is older now
And she has been fooled
And mislead before.
Following a dream
That you might not have for her.

Please my precious savior,
I am that little girl again.
I have fallen at your feet.
I will silence my desires,
Surrender my will
And like the child I was
Not so long ago
I will follow you blindly
Without question or complaint
Asking only that you show me
Your truth
I am a truth seeker.
Show me your truth in my life.


Will someone who has all the answers please stand up and give me a couple?