Congrads! you've hit my site on a tangent day!
Most days I wake up and feel certain about the future. By that I mean that I'm not afraid of whats out there. Somedays, though, I catch myself worrying. Maybe it's just because of society, maybe it's because of what i've seen in the world... Probably it's both. When I think about what I want in life, I understand that I will have to fight to keep whatever I get.
There are a few people my age who see the world they way I do. These people have a great deal of fear of people and of the future. These kids know exactly how much an individual is worth, and are terrified of others who don't. Most of them set their goals in safe places, becoming very successful over-achievers in their profession of choice. These people go on to make a name for themselves, or cure some evil of greater-humanity. Why do they do this? This way they can't be hurt by the people who don't understand. Because they are afraid. Because they understand that in marriage and relationships people are an independent variable, and people can change their minds.
The problem is that I am not one of these people. I can't kill the hope that someday people will understand. The truth is that sometimes I'm positive that the people I care about do not understand how much they mean to me. If I could, I would do anything for them. A long time ago I learned that it wasn't up to me to take care of everyone. I learned that it was ok to be angry and to question. I leaned it was ok to cry when everything fell on top of me, and, I learned that everything shouldn't be on top of me. It was only later I learned that manipulation and deception both come in innocent and/or unintentional forms.
I also learned the value of the individual.
What do I want in life? Stability. Certainty. Trust. And, most of all, to get back what I give. That's all.
People tell me all the time that i'm "strong" and "reslilant". Honestly, I don't quite know what that means. Can I be broken? I'm not sure. I would like to think not. Do I ever despair? I haven't in a very long time. I suppose this is why people tell me i'm "perpetually optimistic".
I don't really write this for any reason other then to put pieces together in my mind.
Maybe it's just today... who knows why. I don't. I would love for there to be an answer to my questions and an end to my supressed fears... But honestly, only time and only actions will prove or destroy my demons.
Life isn't fair and all we can do is learn, change, and move on.
No comments:
Post a Comment