Upon further consideration of my last post, I'd like to clarify something:
I don't really understand anything yet.
The world is simple and complicated, and I'm not convinced that any of it can be understood in a completely 'True' way.
The latest dilemma I've come across is a question of faith and conflicting worldviews.
If you are a theist, and you believe that the world is an open system that is acted upon by an outside force, then it is perfectly consistent to believe in a God who drives (or perhaps I'd rather say 'influences' and sustains) cause and effect in the world. It is perfectly consistent to attribute spirituality and seemingly impossible physical events to God.
However, If you are a naturalist, and you believe the physical world to be a closed system, then any experience that may seem unexplainable or spiritual in nature can always be explained by natural processes (if not now then in the future).
Therefore, the question ultimately becomes 'what worldview/set of assumptions seems more correct?' Where do you place your faith? For now I'll leave this question open-ended, as I really don't have a clear answer straightened out.
~ ~ ~
Do we need religion to answer the "why?" question of life? That is the first question I need answered. I lay awake last night 'till around 3 thinking about the answer to that question.
Truthfully, I think the answer is 'no'. Generally speaking, I think (and correct me if I'm wrong) that religion does not give us a reason for our existence, or an explanation of why man exists. Or, at least, that is not its purpose. True religion does not serve us/our desires, it serves that which is beyond us. What it gives us is joy in the recognition of Beauty in the world.
I say this because there is no real explanation for why Beauty (capital B) exists. It exists for its own sake.
What is it that gives us "meaning" in our life? And what is "meaning" altogether?
I think thats all for now, but i'll be sure to keep on writing, and thinking about these things. Your suggestions & support are greatly appreciated. Please pray for me and my developing understanding.
October 11, 2006
October 09, 2006
There is no bridge over troubled waters...
You are about to read (in rather scattered form) my newly realized worldview
A lot has been happening, and I suppose thats why I've neglected this page for so long. Busy-ness is a common excuse these days, and i'm sure you all understand how crazy times can be. But activity isn't the predominant thing that has been troubling me lately.
The main reason I haven't been writing is because I haven't been able to think clearly.
Something strange happens to you when you start to seriously question the fundamental beliefs that support your thoughts and actions- Your distracted brain stops putting things together correctly. Never, and I mean Never, did I ever imagine that I would come to a point where I could rationalize my faith in Christ. It turns out I was very very wrong. I can rationalize it, and I did for a time. That time, or rather the climax of that time, was right before I came back to school this year. Try to imagine what its like to feel lost and confused in your spiritual life and then to have to go take classes in it... and be GRADED... I was pretty discouraged, to put it lightly.
But its curious how strong faith is for those who have tasted it. No matter how confused and disheartened I got, I couldn't bring myself to deny my own past experience. I've seen God work powerfully and intentionally in my life, and in others' lives. There is no way that those experiences could have been driven by a naive hope in something that exists only in the mind, or in the minds of others. I really felt for a time that if God really was there, than he was gone, or removed, or even powerless- that we were naming Him after senimental feelings of love, or using Him as a crutch when we we couldn't find hope. Nearly all religious practice can be explained by the anecdotes of Freud, Marx, and Nietzsche, or in the writings of men like Joseph Campbell. It's true, and everyone should consider this.
This was where I was stuck for a long time- What if i'm making up my own spirituality? Do I believe what I believe only becuase i'm told to? What if I were born into another religion, or, what if I'd been born without a religion? Would I really still believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world?
I didn't feel like it was possible to budge from these questions- like I was going to have to satisfy myself with logical, strictly physical answers or I would never have resolution. It seemed like Christians who had experienced spirituality never really considered/struggled with these questions, and people who had did not understand my experiences with faith and spirituality. I alternated between feeling stupid for continuing to believe in a God that I could explain away through logic, and ridiculous for giving simple answers to complex events I knew I couldn't explain away.
That was the trouble- If I gave in to a naturalistic worldview, I would be denying the presence of a spiritual power acting in the the physical world. If I did that, then there was no problem in saying that God does not exist. Furthermore, I could write off everyone else who was a "spritiual person" as illogical and uncritical of the evidence and of the power of symbol in the human mind. If I ignored myself and focused on every other Christian I knew, I could deny the existance of God. However, I have seen an unexplained power working in my life, and the only logical, all-encompasing name that I can give it is "God".
It took me quite sometime to straighten that difference out.
The question about the existance of God eventually comes down to this: "Is there, or is there not a supernatural power working in this world?"
And, if your answer is immediately "no", then you must ask yourself whether or not you think people like me are lying or are misled, and why. And, if the answer could even possibly be "no", then you must ask yourself whether or not you think it is possible that you yourself have missed something.
All of this I've considered, and concluded that I am not crazy or illogical or misled. I cannot deny what I know to be true in myself and in every other culture of the world- There is an outside force acting in this world we live in, and it is personal and specific in its interaction with humanity.
And now... I am a universalist...
HA! just kidding.
I am a follower of Christ. And next time, I will tell you why...
A lot has been happening, and I suppose thats why I've neglected this page for so long. Busy-ness is a common excuse these days, and i'm sure you all understand how crazy times can be. But activity isn't the predominant thing that has been troubling me lately.
The main reason I haven't been writing is because I haven't been able to think clearly.
Something strange happens to you when you start to seriously question the fundamental beliefs that support your thoughts and actions- Your distracted brain stops putting things together correctly. Never, and I mean Never, did I ever imagine that I would come to a point where I could rationalize my faith in Christ. It turns out I was very very wrong. I can rationalize it, and I did for a time. That time, or rather the climax of that time, was right before I came back to school this year. Try to imagine what its like to feel lost and confused in your spiritual life and then to have to go take classes in it... and be GRADED... I was pretty discouraged, to put it lightly.
But its curious how strong faith is for those who have tasted it. No matter how confused and disheartened I got, I couldn't bring myself to deny my own past experience. I've seen God work powerfully and intentionally in my life, and in others' lives. There is no way that those experiences could have been driven by a naive hope in something that exists only in the mind, or in the minds of others. I really felt for a time that if God really was there, than he was gone, or removed, or even powerless- that we were naming Him after senimental feelings of love, or using Him as a crutch when we we couldn't find hope. Nearly all religious practice can be explained by the anecdotes of Freud, Marx, and Nietzsche, or in the writings of men like Joseph Campbell. It's true, and everyone should consider this.
This was where I was stuck for a long time- What if i'm making up my own spirituality? Do I believe what I believe only becuase i'm told to? What if I were born into another religion, or, what if I'd been born without a religion? Would I really still believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world?
I didn't feel like it was possible to budge from these questions- like I was going to have to satisfy myself with logical, strictly physical answers or I would never have resolution. It seemed like Christians who had experienced spirituality never really considered/struggled with these questions, and people who had did not understand my experiences with faith and spirituality. I alternated between feeling stupid for continuing to believe in a God that I could explain away through logic, and ridiculous for giving simple answers to complex events I knew I couldn't explain away.
That was the trouble- If I gave in to a naturalistic worldview, I would be denying the presence of a spiritual power acting in the the physical world. If I did that, then there was no problem in saying that God does not exist. Furthermore, I could write off everyone else who was a "spritiual person" as illogical and uncritical of the evidence and of the power of symbol in the human mind. If I ignored myself and focused on every other Christian I knew, I could deny the existance of God. However, I have seen an unexplained power working in my life, and the only logical, all-encompasing name that I can give it is "God".
It took me quite sometime to straighten that difference out.
The question about the existance of God eventually comes down to this: "Is there, or is there not a supernatural power working in this world?"
And, if your answer is immediately "no", then you must ask yourself whether or not you think people like me are lying or are misled, and why. And, if the answer could even possibly be "no", then you must ask yourself whether or not you think it is possible that you yourself have missed something.
All of this I've considered, and concluded that I am not crazy or illogical or misled. I cannot deny what I know to be true in myself and in every other culture of the world- There is an outside force acting in this world we live in, and it is personal and specific in its interaction with humanity.
And now... I am a universalist...
HA! just kidding.
I am a follower of Christ. And next time, I will tell you why...
May 13, 2006
Delicioso... ;-)
"Sargina... dance the rumba!"
Now, some film expert tell me what movie that quote is from (besides Will. I know you know) and you will earn an A+ in my "the best films need to be appreciated class". I will give you one big hint: its an older italian film.
So my first final is finnished, and it was relatively painless. Not to mention the fact that I got an A+ on my statistics research!! That will help my GPA a lot... Now to burn my notes on statistics so I will never be tempted to return to mathematics again.
Julie and I went to Johnny's today to study (johnny's is a coffee shop on campus) and she told me stories of how she worked back stage for bands like 5 iron frenzy, jars of clay, and relient k one summer. She and I are both relatively calm, intellectual girls, however, when it comes to bands/authors/other generally awesome famous people we turn into the sort of teeny-bopper stalkers that you see at boyband concerts. We are those girls who steal the band's sweaty towels after the show, put them in air-tight bags, and sell them on ebay for thousands of dollars.... So yah, we had some good stories.
my last freak-out incident occurred when the author Don Miller spoke at our school. It took me about an hour standing in line to calm down and think of what I was going to say when I finally met him (he signed 2 of my books). I did eventually stop bouncing (I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of one of my favority authors!) and wringing my hands. Finally, when I got to the front of the line, I was ready to say the profound words of thanks that were to leave my face permanently imprinted in Don's mind... but all I could do was grin like an idiot and stumble over my words. He kind of looked up at me and smiled. "who do you want me to make this out to?" he asked. "well... (duuuh i'm an idiot)...um.. me?". So much for leaving a striking image in his mind. Maybe i'll show up in one of his books as the cute but rather simple girl who couldn't put her words together when meeting Donald Miller... *sigh* oh well. I should have asked him to sign my stomach or something.... hehe kidding.
Well kids i'm going to go take advantage of the fact that the practice rooms at the Fine Arts Center are open. Its time to be creative! Good luck with finals those of you who are still in school!
Peace.
Now, some film expert tell me what movie that quote is from (besides Will. I know you know) and you will earn an A+ in my "the best films need to be appreciated class". I will give you one big hint: its an older italian film.
So my first final is finnished, and it was relatively painless. Not to mention the fact that I got an A+ on my statistics research!! That will help my GPA a lot... Now to burn my notes on statistics so I will never be tempted to return to mathematics again.
Julie and I went to Johnny's today to study (johnny's is a coffee shop on campus) and she told me stories of how she worked back stage for bands like 5 iron frenzy, jars of clay, and relient k one summer. She and I are both relatively calm, intellectual girls, however, when it comes to bands/authors/other generally awesome famous people we turn into the sort of teeny-bopper stalkers that you see at boyband concerts. We are those girls who steal the band's sweaty towels after the show, put them in air-tight bags, and sell them on ebay for thousands of dollars.... So yah, we had some good stories.
my last freak-out incident occurred when the author Don Miller spoke at our school. It took me about an hour standing in line to calm down and think of what I was going to say when I finally met him (he signed 2 of my books). I did eventually stop bouncing (I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of one of my favority authors!) and wringing my hands. Finally, when I got to the front of the line, I was ready to say the profound words of thanks that were to leave my face permanently imprinted in Don's mind... but all I could do was grin like an idiot and stumble over my words. He kind of looked up at me and smiled. "who do you want me to make this out to?" he asked. "well... (duuuh i'm an idiot)...um.. me?". So much for leaving a striking image in his mind. Maybe i'll show up in one of his books as the cute but rather simple girl who couldn't put her words together when meeting Donald Miller... *sigh* oh well. I should have asked him to sign my stomach or something.... hehe kidding.
Well kids i'm going to go take advantage of the fact that the practice rooms at the Fine Arts Center are open. Its time to be creative! Good luck with finals those of you who are still in school!
Peace.
Finals are upon us!
As of 36 minutes ago... My first day of finals has begun!!
...
and here I am writing in my blog. hehehe.
I'm really not too stressed out about finals. Whats important is that all of my papers are turned in, and the biggest finals will all be over by monday night. The only 2 to worry about will be my 2 theology finals... eek... Unfortunately they're both on the same day. Lets just hope I keep the information on the right tests. meh. Whatever happens, i'm not terribly worried. It's been a nice year, but its time to get the heck out of Michigan! I actually miss the corn fields...
But not before Will and I get to Chicago! Will is taking a bus all the way up here to help me pack and accompany me back home... But before going home, we're going to stop in Chicago for a day to see the art institute, eat good food, see some jazz (if I can get in), and have a generally good time goofing off. Can't wait!!
Well, sadly, I should get some sleep since my final is at 9am tomorrow morning. After that a nap and more studying... Hope everyone is having a wonderful week!
...
and here I am writing in my blog. hehehe.
I'm really not too stressed out about finals. Whats important is that all of my papers are turned in, and the biggest finals will all be over by monday night. The only 2 to worry about will be my 2 theology finals... eek... Unfortunately they're both on the same day. Lets just hope I keep the information on the right tests. meh. Whatever happens, i'm not terribly worried. It's been a nice year, but its time to get the heck out of Michigan! I actually miss the corn fields...
But not before Will and I get to Chicago! Will is taking a bus all the way up here to help me pack and accompany me back home... But before going home, we're going to stop in Chicago for a day to see the art institute, eat good food, see some jazz (if I can get in), and have a generally good time goofing off. Can't wait!!
Well, sadly, I should get some sleep since my final is at 9am tomorrow morning. After that a nap and more studying... Hope everyone is having a wonderful week!
May 07, 2006
Atheism is fun!
'evenin all
I should be writing a paper right now, but I decided to procrastinate for a bit and write here instead. The reason I say atheists are fun is because my paper is on "suspician and faith". I'm basically analyzing the criticisms of religion (mostly Christianity) done by 3 of the most well-known atheists of our time. Its fun stuff. After a while though, you need a break... Especially before getting started on Nietzsche.. I'd like to stay sane... hehe.
My family came up to see my choir concert on friday night. That was nice since I won't be seeing them together very often from now on. The concert went really well, and the night as a whole was a lot of fun.
I went to the grocery store the other day and bought all organic foods... I tried to find things that were also free-trade, but as of now free-trade products aren't especially popular in mainstream grocery stores (and really, a lot of the natural stuff comes from America anyway). It cost a little more than usual, but I think the small difference is worth it. All of the food tastes better and is much more healthy (and environmentally friendly). The weirdist thing I bought is this Kosher cheese... It's called "naturally good kosher", and advertises as being "all natural, no preservatives, no animal rennet, and 100% Vegetarian". I started to wonder after buying it whether or not I was taking my resolution a little too far, but after trying it, I decided I wasn't. It was gooood. I mean, what great benefits to doing the right thing! Not only am I supporting a cause that I believe in, I get to eat better too!
Lately i've been trying to eat healthier foods as well as support free-trade and natural products. I've actually come to not crave pop or really fatty/sugary foods anymore... Thats a lot for me because I used to drink non-diet soda nearly every day of the week. I'm not worried about getting fat or anything silly like that, but I did notice at the beginning of the year that my energy levels were really low and I was getting sick more often. After taking a gym class here, I learned that my diet was really doing bad things for my body (probably why I was tired and sick all the time). I also learned that the phosphoric acid in soda (ALL soda, including diet) inhibited calcium absorption in my bones. Since i'm already a small girl who is currently doing no weight bearing exercise (which increases my chances of getting osteoperosis by about 50%), I realized just how risky I was being with my diet. My professor also told us that girls who are skinny and sit around a lot are often less healthy than girls who appear overweight for their height but exercise. This is because your heart is very weak and fatty when you don't exercise. She also told our class that people who only diet are more at risk for heart attacks and heart disease, and people who severely limit their diet but over exercise are more at risk for heart attacks and are likely to tear muscles and joints and have all sorts of problems... So, basically, she woke me up and made me decide to eat healthier more wholesome foods whenever i'm hungry. I probably should work on that exercise thing a little more now. I've become so lazy! hehe.
I also bought some "organic soda" at the store for kicks... It doesn't have phosphoric acid, caffine, or starchy corn syrup in it, just cane sugar and fiizzy water. It's not bad and it still lets me drink a little bit of soda! Never in my life did I imagine i'd be a health conscious person... and like it..?
Well I suppose its back to the atheists for now. This paper is due tomorrow and I still have places to go and people to see. I love you all and i'll see you back home on the 19th!
Much love,
Laura
I should be writing a paper right now, but I decided to procrastinate for a bit and write here instead. The reason I say atheists are fun is because my paper is on "suspician and faith". I'm basically analyzing the criticisms of religion (mostly Christianity) done by 3 of the most well-known atheists of our time. Its fun stuff. After a while though, you need a break... Especially before getting started on Nietzsche.. I'd like to stay sane... hehe.
My family came up to see my choir concert on friday night. That was nice since I won't be seeing them together very often from now on. The concert went really well, and the night as a whole was a lot of fun.
I went to the grocery store the other day and bought all organic foods... I tried to find things that were also free-trade, but as of now free-trade products aren't especially popular in mainstream grocery stores (and really, a lot of the natural stuff comes from America anyway). It cost a little more than usual, but I think the small difference is worth it. All of the food tastes better and is much more healthy (and environmentally friendly). The weirdist thing I bought is this Kosher cheese... It's called "naturally good kosher", and advertises as being "all natural, no preservatives, no animal rennet, and 100% Vegetarian". I started to wonder after buying it whether or not I was taking my resolution a little too far, but after trying it, I decided I wasn't. It was gooood. I mean, what great benefits to doing the right thing! Not only am I supporting a cause that I believe in, I get to eat better too!
Lately i've been trying to eat healthier foods as well as support free-trade and natural products. I've actually come to not crave pop or really fatty/sugary foods anymore... Thats a lot for me because I used to drink non-diet soda nearly every day of the week. I'm not worried about getting fat or anything silly like that, but I did notice at the beginning of the year that my energy levels were really low and I was getting sick more often. After taking a gym class here, I learned that my diet was really doing bad things for my body (probably why I was tired and sick all the time). I also learned that the phosphoric acid in soda (ALL soda, including diet) inhibited calcium absorption in my bones. Since i'm already a small girl who is currently doing no weight bearing exercise (which increases my chances of getting osteoperosis by about 50%), I realized just how risky I was being with my diet. My professor also told us that girls who are skinny and sit around a lot are often less healthy than girls who appear overweight for their height but exercise. This is because your heart is very weak and fatty when you don't exercise. She also told our class that people who only diet are more at risk for heart attacks and heart disease, and people who severely limit their diet but over exercise are more at risk for heart attacks and are likely to tear muscles and joints and have all sorts of problems... So, basically, she woke me up and made me decide to eat healthier more wholesome foods whenever i'm hungry. I probably should work on that exercise thing a little more now. I've become so lazy! hehe.
I also bought some "organic soda" at the store for kicks... It doesn't have phosphoric acid, caffine, or starchy corn syrup in it, just cane sugar and fiizzy water. It's not bad and it still lets me drink a little bit of soda! Never in my life did I imagine i'd be a health conscious person... and like it..?
Well I suppose its back to the atheists for now. This paper is due tomorrow and I still have places to go and people to see. I love you all and i'll see you back home on the 19th!
Much love,
Laura
May 04, 2006
I need sleep...
Hello lovelies,
I hope everyone is doing well.
I decided to get off campus today because its been a tough day. Actually its been a tough 3 days. For some reason I haven't been able to sleep for the past 3 nights, and its been really hard to stay awake... Except for the fact that I tried to take a nap this afternoon and I couldn't fall asleep. I think that must have been the last straw because about 10minutes before I was supposed to get up I just burst into tears. Its frustrating not being able to sleep, especially because i'm awake all the time but i'm not coherent enough to write papers and my eyes are too tired to read (can't find my reading glasses).
There are other things too I suppose; little trivial things that really don't mean anything but that I think too much about and get upset over. I'm just not happy here anymore. I need to be around people who love me again.
So I went off campus with my book and tried to read while I was waiting for dinner. I must have looked pretty funny because I was holding the book about 4 inches from my face and squinting. Getting off campus did feel good. I've become a lot more introverted this semester i've discovered. Going out to eat by myself would have bothered me a year ago, but with all the recent circumstances in my life it feels good to get away from some of these people, this institution, and the rest of my worries.
I really miss Will. Its amazing how much joy he brings to my life.
Yesterday one of my friends was having a tough day so while I was out I stopped by the sugar coated heart-attack store A.K.A Krispy Kreme and bought some doughnuts for her and her roomie. Things like that make me happy when I'm a little down. Also, as I was driving home I saw a nerdy bumper sticker that made me smile. It was a picture of a bass clef with the words "Got Bass?" under it. Today really was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the trees are all blooming here. Isn't it funny how we can get so depressed over such little things when people across the world are dying from genoside and starvation? I'd bring them more than doughnuts if I could...
Love you all
Please say a prayer that i'll sleep tonight.
I hope everyone is doing well.
I decided to get off campus today because its been a tough day. Actually its been a tough 3 days. For some reason I haven't been able to sleep for the past 3 nights, and its been really hard to stay awake... Except for the fact that I tried to take a nap this afternoon and I couldn't fall asleep. I think that must have been the last straw because about 10minutes before I was supposed to get up I just burst into tears. Its frustrating not being able to sleep, especially because i'm awake all the time but i'm not coherent enough to write papers and my eyes are too tired to read (can't find my reading glasses).
There are other things too I suppose; little trivial things that really don't mean anything but that I think too much about and get upset over. I'm just not happy here anymore. I need to be around people who love me again.
So I went off campus with my book and tried to read while I was waiting for dinner. I must have looked pretty funny because I was holding the book about 4 inches from my face and squinting. Getting off campus did feel good. I've become a lot more introverted this semester i've discovered. Going out to eat by myself would have bothered me a year ago, but with all the recent circumstances in my life it feels good to get away from some of these people, this institution, and the rest of my worries.
I really miss Will. Its amazing how much joy he brings to my life.
Yesterday one of my friends was having a tough day so while I was out I stopped by the sugar coated heart-attack store A.K.A Krispy Kreme and bought some doughnuts for her and her roomie. Things like that make me happy when I'm a little down. Also, as I was driving home I saw a nerdy bumper sticker that made me smile. It was a picture of a bass clef with the words "Got Bass?" under it. Today really was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the trees are all blooming here. Isn't it funny how we can get so depressed over such little things when people across the world are dying from genoside and starvation? I'd bring them more than doughnuts if I could...
Love you all
Please say a prayer that i'll sleep tonight.
May 02, 2006
yes yes, I'm going to whine...
I occasionally have the desire to say really stupid things that most people brush off as strange avant guarde comments that mean nothing.
The Freudian analyst in me says its my way of trying to let people know that i'm hurting, or, more correctly, that they've hurt me without even realizing it. I apparently have some pent-up aggressive tendencies... but no one ever realizes it.
I was standing in our bathroom washing out a bowl, and noticed my suite-mate sitting at her desk (the bathroom connects my room-mate and I's room with our suite-mate's room). I wasn't thinking about much, and lately I don't have much to say to the people who I used to be so close with on our floor. Its not because i'm angry at them. They haven't done anything to me. I've just resigned myself to quiet acceptance of the fact that most of them don't really have any interest in my friendship. But I can talk about that later. So what I said was
Me: "I don't know what it is about sophomore year... I've really turned into a hermit." (meaning: Duh. HAVE YOU NOTICED?)
*pause*
"I really wasn't like this last year..."
Yeah... because last year I spent all of my free time traveling to other people's rooms to see them... But now that I quit making all the effort not one of the people who I hung out with last year has come to me and asked me why... All anyone can say is "Where have you been? You know Laura... you really should spend less time on the phone (with my boyfriend)."
--To clarify... I talk to Will in the middle of the night so that we both have time for a social life, and because thats when I have unlimited minutes on my cell phone. Sometimes we talk during the day for a limited amount of time... if we get the chance.--
My suite-mate (in a completely uninterested tone): "Well then why are you a hermit?"
I said something about not being very organized with my homework and walked away.
At the beginning of the year I spent a lot of time trying to make compromises with people. I told them that I wanted to find some time that we could spend together, and they said that would be good. (and also that I should not talk on the phone at night because that was too much time on the phone.. What the heck? I'm in a long distance relationship and we both have lives! Why can't we study together during the day?). So, basically, after a number of really big dissappointments (including my room mate and other friends getting a house together... I know it wasn't malicious, but it still hurt.) I've basically come to the point of resignation... Which is not a place i'm used to being in.
I've never not been able to be friends with people before... It makes me really frustrated. I need people. I'm a people person and I have never met a person I sincerely disliked... Maybe its the fact that no one is especially intimate here. I'm an intimate person. I love people and if anyone ever came to me and sincerely wanted to talk i'd love them for their willingness to be real... I just don't understand what is so different about the people here.
The thing that is most frustrating is the stark contrast between last year and this year. Last year I put all my energy into one group of people, and this year they're all close but i'm not... mmmm...
Alright, well i'm done ranting for now. I feel better now that i've actually written it all down. Now I suppose its back to papers and studying for finals... *sigh* isn't life fun?
Here's to all the exhausted college kids like me who went to bed at 5:30 last night because of papers and tests!
Cheers
The Freudian analyst in me says its my way of trying to let people know that i'm hurting, or, more correctly, that they've hurt me without even realizing it. I apparently have some pent-up aggressive tendencies... but no one ever realizes it.
I was standing in our bathroom washing out a bowl, and noticed my suite-mate sitting at her desk (the bathroom connects my room-mate and I's room with our suite-mate's room). I wasn't thinking about much, and lately I don't have much to say to the people who I used to be so close with on our floor. Its not because i'm angry at them. They haven't done anything to me. I've just resigned myself to quiet acceptance of the fact that most of them don't really have any interest in my friendship. But I can talk about that later. So what I said was
Me: "I don't know what it is about sophomore year... I've really turned into a hermit." (meaning: Duh. HAVE YOU NOTICED?)
*pause*
"I really wasn't like this last year..."
Yeah... because last year I spent all of my free time traveling to other people's rooms to see them... But now that I quit making all the effort not one of the people who I hung out with last year has come to me and asked me why... All anyone can say is "Where have you been? You know Laura... you really should spend less time on the phone (with my boyfriend)."
--To clarify... I talk to Will in the middle of the night so that we both have time for a social life, and because thats when I have unlimited minutes on my cell phone. Sometimes we talk during the day for a limited amount of time... if we get the chance.--
My suite-mate (in a completely uninterested tone): "Well then why are you a hermit?"
I said something about not being very organized with my homework and walked away.
At the beginning of the year I spent a lot of time trying to make compromises with people. I told them that I wanted to find some time that we could spend together, and they said that would be good. (and also that I should not talk on the phone at night because that was too much time on the phone.. What the heck? I'm in a long distance relationship and we both have lives! Why can't we study together during the day?). So, basically, after a number of really big dissappointments (including my room mate and other friends getting a house together... I know it wasn't malicious, but it still hurt.) I've basically come to the point of resignation... Which is not a place i'm used to being in.
I've never not been able to be friends with people before... It makes me really frustrated. I need people. I'm a people person and I have never met a person I sincerely disliked... Maybe its the fact that no one is especially intimate here. I'm an intimate person. I love people and if anyone ever came to me and sincerely wanted to talk i'd love them for their willingness to be real... I just don't understand what is so different about the people here.
The thing that is most frustrating is the stark contrast between last year and this year. Last year I put all my energy into one group of people, and this year they're all close but i'm not... mmmm...
Alright, well i'm done ranting for now. I feel better now that i've actually written it all down. Now I suppose its back to papers and studying for finals... *sigh* isn't life fun?
Here's to all the exhausted college kids like me who went to bed at 5:30 last night because of papers and tests!
Cheers
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