Alrighty...
Sorry that was so dramatic. hehe. I'm good now!

So i'm sitting here in my room listening to "Boom Boom Boom" by the Venga Boys.. lol. I think i've hit rock bottom... This is probably not the most appropriate song for a little Christian college girl to be listening to (but it's so FUNNY)... wait... the girl across the hall listens to the "Milkshake" song... nevermind. *giggles
This is the last day of my "reading recess". I have accomplished absolutely nothing. Luckily I don't have a lot to do.
So the other day I was sitting at my desk at about 10am in my pj's when this elderly mantainance guy bursts in and announces that he "will fine me if he sees my drying rack in the hallway again".... Males aren't supposed to be in our dorm untill afer 12, so naturally I was more than a little freaked out. I mean, he could have RAPED ME! I was alone!... and practically in my underwear!! *recalls line from "Big Daddy" referring to the old guy's... manhood... *shivers*.... maybe he was a unich..... well whatever.. something like this apparently happened to my friend Janelle on the same morning... creepy.

Did I mention that i've printed my soul off of my computer? hehehe.

Got a good grade on my Theology Midterm!! YAY!!

I miss all of you at home... I wish I could see you at thanksgiving, but I guess Christmas isn't all that far away.

Sappy, but true message for TJ:
TJ I love you... There's no hiding it or denying it. To be honest I wanted to do both of those things at first, but you wouldn't let me. You've completely exceeded my expectations. I was jaded by love and scared of it, and you gave it a new definition. It's so amazing to see how long it's taken me to peel the false layers off of myself. They're not completely gone, but we both know that God's timing is perfect, and He is always in control. Thank you for seeing the real me, even when I couldn't, and still loving me unconditionally.. Some would say that our relationship is a miracle... but I believe you now when you say it was an answer, and a gift... and so much more.

To Ben:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EXTREMELY LATE! I'm sending you a card, but you don't know that... shhh. Thank you and your family for the chocolate! I am eternally grateful. I miss you guys...

Alrighty people, I need to go get something accomplished today. Send me mail and love... and candy... =D

God Bless you all!
I love ya!

I just wish I could sleep. All I want is to be able to rest peacefully and not be tortured by my thoughts. Holding back tears that I can't show because people are always around. I close my eyes and pray desperately for the pain to go away, but I know that it cannot pass yet. The only words that form in the back of my mind are: "You are what I want". I can't look down at my hand without crying, running my fingers over the indentation once created by your ring. Tired of putting up the strong front. Whenever I see your face i've broken my heart all over again. I know now that I truly love you, and all I need is to hear those words and know that I will soon be holding you close. This seperation isn't new, but it is different. I think I will go insane unless I hear what's on your mind. Why does love hurt so much? Come and save me... Please.

"Oh i'm crazy... Crazy for feeling so lonely"
It's so lonely here when everything reminds me of you...
=(

(this is not quite accurate, but there is definately truth in it)

Only One

by Yellow Card

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

I wrote this a long time ago when I was angry. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I am still praying it isn't true.


The Snow

The snow falls softly as my tears
Framing my face
All around me is white and cold
But inside I am red and hot.

Snowflakes dancing, laughing,
Whirling around the small girl who trudges
Through their spotless world

She pays them no mind
Their defense won't sway her from her mission.
Through the snow she sees the fortress
A wall built slowly over many years

It's majestic features are regal,
But it's angles are sharp
And it's barricade is solid ice

The determination shows in her eyes
But her hands are trembling

With all her might,
She throws herself at the wall
Tearing at it's smooth exterior.

Screaming, and struggling helplessly,
She falls to the ground in exhaustion
Sobbing, and praying

Suddenly, a shining light appears
At the top of the farthest tower.
A glimmer of hope

A figure appears
He never speaks
But stands aloof
Staring down at the tear stricken child

All around him is shining and silvery
The snowflakes sparkle in the moonlight
And swirl in intricate waves
Around the icy wizard


The girl is frightened and blinded
By the false light,
She looks into the wizard's face.

Behind frozen features and dry eyes
She sees the hot tears;
Frustration and anger like her own
Burning through the coldness

But as quickly as the ice thins,
The cold freezes it.
And the wizard is quickly locked inside his frozen fortress

The girl stands helplessly at the gate
Bewildered, cold and alone
The snowflakes dance around her and freeze on her cheeks.

"I'll not come again"
The girl is saying,
"I can't keep living in a land
Where spring never comes"

A single tear falls from her eye
And lands at the foot of the castle
In it's place, a single rose buds in the snow

The snowflakes dance and laugh around
The small girl who is slowly fading from
Their spotless world

Deep within his castle
The wizard watches the girl walk away
She will not return.

The cold becomes colder

But

A single tear falls from his lashes.
He does not wipe it away.
And for a brief moment,
He is mortal.

You know when sometimes you read or hear something that you haven't heard in a long time and it suddenly makes sense to you?

This song made me cry in 6th grade. It makes me cry more now.

Light In Your Eyes
(Blessid Union of Souls)

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye
All our "I love you's" were just not enough to survive
Something your eyes never told me
But it's only now too plain to see
Brilliant disguise when you hold me
And I'm free
I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude
Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use
But how could I have known girl
It was time and not space you would need
Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know
But would you believe
There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
There's a place in your heart where I used to be
Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me
Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you
Constant reminder of all the things you get used to
Is there a chance in hell or heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall
But after all
There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
And a song in the words that you spoke to me
Was I wrong to believe in your melody
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me
Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away
Fading away
It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been
Did you get my letter I wrote you, but I did not send
I tried to call your old number
But the voice that I heard on the phone
I recognized but she told me the number was wrong
There's a light in my eyes but it's too bright to see
And a pain in my heart where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

I'm really lonely, but I know i'll make it. We'll make it.


Livin' For You
(Boston)

"Livin' without you never could be so wrong
Don't need to say it, I never waited so long
Thinking about you in everthing I do
Love for giving
You know I'm just livin' for you
And I, I never needed to lie
Can't you see I believe in my heart when I'm saying
It's love that you see
You're just the one for me
I'm praying

Maybe I'm dreaming, don't want to wake up now
Baby, I love you, I always knew it somehow
Happened so easy, don't need to think it through
It's not so amazing
Been going so crazy for you

Dreaming and hoping, hoping that dreams come true
You're my religion, girl, I've been living for you
Don't want to fight it, tried everything I know
I won't deny it
You're everywhere I try to go

And I, I never needed to lie
Can't you see I believe in my heart when I'm saying
It's love that you see
You mean the world to me
I'm praying for you

Knew it so easy, don't have to think it through
Love is for giving
I know I'm just livin' for you

Love is for giving
I know I'm just livin' for you"



It's no secret.
I love you.

Warriors of the Truth

I am a fighter
A warrior with a shield of truth
Feared by the underworld
Because of the source of my strength

I am a human
My skin will bleed
And my bones may be broken
But my soul is guarded by an infallible truth
And you will never defeat him

I close my eyes
Fight the pain
Swallow my pride
And smother my fear
Because I know
I am on the winning side.

What is this constant battle we're fighting?
Light against the dark
Fire against the cold
Truth against the lies

An invisible enemy
Dark and deceptive
He is powerful
But when the soldiers come
He runs in terror

Though the shadows in the evening come
There is fire in our eyes
And passion in our hearts.
We stand strong and unwavering
Invincible because of the truth
Silent warriors united on an invisible battlefield

Who are we?
We have been brought up
Out of the fires of hell
The pits of dispair
And the depths of the worst shame
And given hope
For no earthly reason

We had no reason to live
And we were given purpose
No happiness in life
And we were given joy
We had constant turmoil
And we were given continuing peace
And we had no right to be forgiven
But forgiveness is given to us everyday.

Who are we?
We are ordinary men
With an extraordinary mission
Mighty and Powerful
Warriors of the truth
Messengers of love
Receivers of forgiveness

And on our own
We are nothing.