Screw Hope. Screw the World.

Isn't it funny how sometimes a bad past can lead to hope for such a long time? I honestly believed that there could be beauty in love. God it hurts for someone who has so much hope to be crushed because of her own stupid dreams. I had hope. I've always been the one who has hope. WHY? I'm the person who has seen so much shit, and learned so much from it, and hopes that what she has learned will save her from the very situation that she has seen. It took so damn long to trust, and now it's broken again. Damn it all.

I honestly don't think i've ever been so angry in my life. I've only lost my temper a few times in an argument, but this time I really lost it. Probably a combination of things made me that way: I learned that all hope I had left had to be killed. That was like a slap in the face because I loved them, and then found out that apparently it wasn't worth entertaining the idea of possibly being with me in the future. Then, the one thing that I thought God had been pushing me to discuss didn't matter. I've made no positive difference what-so-ever. All i've done is cause pain. I think the last thing is what made me completely loose it. It just made me feel like i'd literally put all of myself into one person and now all my hope was pointless and I couldn't even tell them what God had put on my heart to say. I'm basically heart-broken, shattered, broken.. whatever word you want to use. I don't think i've been hurt this badly in this way ever in my life. The only fricking thing that makes me happy is making some kind of positive difference in the lives of the people I love. THE ONLY THING!! Now I just feel completely useless, and that is the only thing that has ever been known to make me completely loose my temper.

I suppose God did this for a reason. He did, afterall, give me something to say... Can't say that I handled the rejection well though... I am sorry for that. I can't believe I rejected my compassion for a few minutes.... That's definately a first, and I don't want to do it again. Seriously, I think something broke up there. I've never actually been able to say to someone "I don't care about your problems anymore", and for a brief minute... I actually did think that. The thought is gone now, but I still just feel... broken, even a little betrayed. I guess that stems from the rejection thing.

Please pray for me, I don't know what to have hope in anymore... I don't trust love AT ALL. I trust God, and that is just about all. I believe there is someone out there for me sometime in the future, but I'm so scared of being hurt/rejected.

Screw relationships. I obviously can't trust love.