Hello lovelies,
I hope everyone is doing well.
I decided to get off campus today because its been a tough day. Actually its been a tough 3 days. For some reason I haven't been able to sleep for the past 3 nights, and its been really hard to stay awake... Except for the fact that I tried to take a nap this afternoon and I couldn't fall asleep. I think that must have been the last straw because about 10minutes before I was supposed to get up I just burst into tears. Its frustrating not being able to sleep, especially because i'm awake all the time but i'm not coherent enough to write papers and my eyes are too tired to read (can't find my reading glasses).
There are other things too I suppose; little trivial things that really don't mean anything but that I think too much about and get upset over. I'm just not happy here anymore. I need to be around people who love me again.
So I went off campus with my book and tried to read while I was waiting for dinner. I must have looked pretty funny because I was holding the book about 4 inches from my face and squinting. Getting off campus did feel good. I've become a lot more introverted this semester i've discovered. Going out to eat by myself would have bothered me a year ago, but with all the recent circumstances in my life it feels good to get away from some of these people, this institution, and the rest of my worries.
I really miss Will. Its amazing how much joy he brings to my life.
Yesterday one of my friends was having a tough day so while I was out I stopped by the sugar coated heart-attack store A.K.A Krispy Kreme and bought some doughnuts for her and her roomie. Things like that make me happy when I'm a little down. Also, as I was driving home I saw a nerdy bumper sticker that made me smile. It was a picture of a bass clef with the words "Got Bass?" under it. Today really was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the trees are all blooming here. Isn't it funny how we can get so depressed over such little things when people across the world are dying from genoside and starvation? I'd bring them more than doughnuts if I could...
Love you all
Please say a prayer that i'll sleep tonight.
May 04, 2006
May 02, 2006
yes yes, I'm going to whine...
I occasionally have the desire to say really stupid things that most people brush off as strange avant guarde comments that mean nothing.
The Freudian analyst in me says its my way of trying to let people know that i'm hurting, or, more correctly, that they've hurt me without even realizing it. I apparently have some pent-up aggressive tendencies... but no one ever realizes it.
I was standing in our bathroom washing out a bowl, and noticed my suite-mate sitting at her desk (the bathroom connects my room-mate and I's room with our suite-mate's room). I wasn't thinking about much, and lately I don't have much to say to the people who I used to be so close with on our floor. Its not because i'm angry at them. They haven't done anything to me. I've just resigned myself to quiet acceptance of the fact that most of them don't really have any interest in my friendship. But I can talk about that later. So what I said was
Me: "I don't know what it is about sophomore year... I've really turned into a hermit." (meaning: Duh. HAVE YOU NOTICED?)
*pause*
"I really wasn't like this last year..."
Yeah... because last year I spent all of my free time traveling to other people's rooms to see them... But now that I quit making all the effort not one of the people who I hung out with last year has come to me and asked me why... All anyone can say is "Where have you been? You know Laura... you really should spend less time on the phone (with my boyfriend)."
--To clarify... I talk to Will in the middle of the night so that we both have time for a social life, and because thats when I have unlimited minutes on my cell phone. Sometimes we talk during the day for a limited amount of time... if we get the chance.--
My suite-mate (in a completely uninterested tone): "Well then why are you a hermit?"
I said something about not being very organized with my homework and walked away.
At the beginning of the year I spent a lot of time trying to make compromises with people. I told them that I wanted to find some time that we could spend together, and they said that would be good. (and also that I should not talk on the phone at night because that was too much time on the phone.. What the heck? I'm in a long distance relationship and we both have lives! Why can't we study together during the day?). So, basically, after a number of really big dissappointments (including my room mate and other friends getting a house together... I know it wasn't malicious, but it still hurt.) I've basically come to the point of resignation... Which is not a place i'm used to being in.
I've never not been able to be friends with people before... It makes me really frustrated. I need people. I'm a people person and I have never met a person I sincerely disliked... Maybe its the fact that no one is especially intimate here. I'm an intimate person. I love people and if anyone ever came to me and sincerely wanted to talk i'd love them for their willingness to be real... I just don't understand what is so different about the people here.
The thing that is most frustrating is the stark contrast between last year and this year. Last year I put all my energy into one group of people, and this year they're all close but i'm not... mmmm...
Alright, well i'm done ranting for now. I feel better now that i've actually written it all down. Now I suppose its back to papers and studying for finals... *sigh* isn't life fun?
Here's to all the exhausted college kids like me who went to bed at 5:30 last night because of papers and tests!
Cheers
The Freudian analyst in me says its my way of trying to let people know that i'm hurting, or, more correctly, that they've hurt me without even realizing it. I apparently have some pent-up aggressive tendencies... but no one ever realizes it.
I was standing in our bathroom washing out a bowl, and noticed my suite-mate sitting at her desk (the bathroom connects my room-mate and I's room with our suite-mate's room). I wasn't thinking about much, and lately I don't have much to say to the people who I used to be so close with on our floor. Its not because i'm angry at them. They haven't done anything to me. I've just resigned myself to quiet acceptance of the fact that most of them don't really have any interest in my friendship. But I can talk about that later. So what I said was
Me: "I don't know what it is about sophomore year... I've really turned into a hermit." (meaning: Duh. HAVE YOU NOTICED?)
*pause*
"I really wasn't like this last year..."
Yeah... because last year I spent all of my free time traveling to other people's rooms to see them... But now that I quit making all the effort not one of the people who I hung out with last year has come to me and asked me why... All anyone can say is "Where have you been? You know Laura... you really should spend less time on the phone (with my boyfriend)."
--To clarify... I talk to Will in the middle of the night so that we both have time for a social life, and because thats when I have unlimited minutes on my cell phone. Sometimes we talk during the day for a limited amount of time... if we get the chance.--
My suite-mate (in a completely uninterested tone): "Well then why are you a hermit?"
I said something about not being very organized with my homework and walked away.
At the beginning of the year I spent a lot of time trying to make compromises with people. I told them that I wanted to find some time that we could spend together, and they said that would be good. (and also that I should not talk on the phone at night because that was too much time on the phone.. What the heck? I'm in a long distance relationship and we both have lives! Why can't we study together during the day?). So, basically, after a number of really big dissappointments (including my room mate and other friends getting a house together... I know it wasn't malicious, but it still hurt.) I've basically come to the point of resignation... Which is not a place i'm used to being in.
I've never not been able to be friends with people before... It makes me really frustrated. I need people. I'm a people person and I have never met a person I sincerely disliked... Maybe its the fact that no one is especially intimate here. I'm an intimate person. I love people and if anyone ever came to me and sincerely wanted to talk i'd love them for their willingness to be real... I just don't understand what is so different about the people here.
The thing that is most frustrating is the stark contrast between last year and this year. Last year I put all my energy into one group of people, and this year they're all close but i'm not... mmmm...
Alright, well i'm done ranting for now. I feel better now that i've actually written it all down. Now I suppose its back to papers and studying for finals... *sigh* isn't life fun?
Here's to all the exhausted college kids like me who went to bed at 5:30 last night because of papers and tests!
Cheers
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