yes yes, I'm going to whine...

I occasionally have the desire to say really stupid things that most people brush off as strange avant guarde comments that mean nothing.

The Freudian analyst in me says its my way of trying to let people know that i'm hurting, or, more correctly, that they've hurt me without even realizing it. I apparently have some pent-up aggressive tendencies... but no one ever realizes it.

I was standing in our bathroom washing out a bowl, and noticed my suite-mate sitting at her desk (the bathroom connects my room-mate and I's room with our suite-mate's room). I wasn't thinking about much, and lately I don't have much to say to the people who I used to be so close with on our floor. Its not because i'm angry at them. They haven't done anything to me. I've just resigned myself to quiet acceptance of the fact that most of them don't really have any interest in my friendship. But I can talk about that later. So what I said was

Me: "I don't know what it is about sophomore year... I've really turned into a hermit." (meaning: Duh. HAVE YOU NOTICED?)
*pause*
"I really wasn't like this last year..."

Yeah... because last year I spent all of my free time traveling to other people's rooms to see them... But now that I quit making all the effort not one of the people who I hung out with last year has come to me and asked me why... All anyone can say is "Where have you been? You know Laura... you really should spend less time on the phone (with my boyfriend)."
--To clarify... I talk to Will in the middle of the night so that we both have time for a social life, and because thats when I have unlimited minutes on my cell phone. Sometimes we talk during the day for a limited amount of time... if we get the chance.--

My suite-mate (in a completely uninterested tone): "Well then why are you a hermit?"

I said something about not being very organized with my homework and walked away.

At the beginning of the year I spent a lot of time trying to make compromises with people. I told them that I wanted to find some time that we could spend together, and they said that would be good. (and also that I should not talk on the phone at night because that was too much time on the phone.. What the heck? I'm in a long distance relationship and we both have lives! Why can't we study together during the day?). So, basically, after a number of really big dissappointments (including my room mate and other friends getting a house together... I know it wasn't malicious, but it still hurt.) I've basically come to the point of resignation... Which is not a place i'm used to being in.

I've never not been able to be friends with people before... It makes me really frustrated. I need people. I'm a people person and I have never met a person I sincerely disliked... Maybe its the fact that no one is especially intimate here. I'm an intimate person. I love people and if anyone ever came to me and sincerely wanted to talk i'd love them for their willingness to be real... I just don't understand what is so different about the people here.

The thing that is most frustrating is the stark contrast between last year and this year. Last year I put all my energy into one group of people, and this year they're all close but i'm not... mmmm...

Alright, well i'm done ranting for now. I feel better now that i've actually written it all down. Now I suppose its back to papers and studying for finals... *sigh* isn't life fun?

Here's to all the exhausted college kids like me who went to bed at 5:30 last night because of papers and tests!

Cheers