It has to be worked out...

I look back at my life over the past few years, and I see that I am still naive in so many ways. I guess thats the important lesson about head knowledge and the heart--In order to fully understand something you have to free your heart from it.

But I thought I understood. I thought I knew exactly what not to do and think. Where did I go wrong?

I guess I just couldn't prepare myself for something so real that I couldn't possibly understand how it would affect me until I had it.

So now I learn what I forgot--What to do if all the perfect little plans I had for the future turn out to be a little too perfect. And, how to repair, re-evaluate, and grow into a more complete understanding.

But how...and why? Why couldn't it have been anything else?

Life is hard sometimes. Why couldn't I have learned it all in advance? I tried so hard...

I just say all this because i'm frustrated with myself.

~ ~ ~

I never considered the fact that I myself might in some way not be enough. That sounds a little arrogant... and that's probably accurate. I suppose thats the ego i've developed over the years. It comes from my past and the brokenness that characterized it.

If I were psycho-analyzed, i'm sure a councelor would tell me that my desire to be encouraging, serving, and loyal was there to begin with, but was abused by childhood family experiences, and that my future-planning is my security net of stability. Yeah, it makes sense even if I don't want it to.

What I want is to love people; specifically, to devote my energy to one person, and to be loved in return. What I assumed was that this would be a life-long process.

I realize now that this assumption is a contradiction to what my first desire is--to be selflessly devoted to one person, or, to truly love someone.

Both a councelor and my pride would tell me that it was selfish of my family to use me as a support during that troubling time.
But now that I think about it, I realize that they're wrong.

If my calling in life is to demonstrate love to people, then any selfish expectations that I place on them are only selfish, and have no place in my heart.

That helps a bit.

Its terrifying and painful to consider the fact that I may have to relinquish some of my desires in order to satisfy higher ones.

It is still my hope that my place will someday be... with another person. But I've got to stop thinking that way.

God give me strength to live up to these lofty ideals.