Realization... and some hope

Have you known a person who could come home from a night out with great friends and good fun and still feel like something is missing?
...
That's me tonight... And I'm not entirely sure why. =(

There is something missing for me. Although I am happy during the day while i'm out or talking to the people I love, I still come home and feel like something is missing. Only God knows what that could be. I wonder if I spend too much of my time trying to convince myself that things which are good but don't meet all my expectations are things that I can make into excellent things that blow my expectations away. That is, I suppose, what I want; my expectations to be blown away... That way I will only invest myself in things that will give back what is put into them. Lord it hurts me now to realize how much of myself I will never get back.

I like to settle for things that need work. That is because I like to be challenged in what I do, and also because I enjoy supporting others. I need work myself, so I should stop trying to focus on other things and work on myself. That is the only way I will be able to be self-sufficient and whole. God has been working on me for awhile now, but this just proves that I have a long way to go. I've broken myself, and now all I can do is give up and let myself be fixed.

~ ~ ~

Gosh there really is so much joy in my life and all I seem to write about are my problems. hmmmm... Well i'll say this:

I am blessed in ways that never stop amazing me. I have wonderful friends... Absolutely the best friends on the planet. I love you all more than my own life. I know I don't tell you all often enough, but it's the truth. I have a wonderful family who always supports and encourages me in my endeavors. I probably don't tell you enough either but I love you guys very much. My school is another thing that absolutely astounds me. I honestly never knew a place so perfect existed for me. I can't count the times i've sat around and contemplated how I ended up at Calvin. I've never felt a stronger calling to a place in my life. I don't thank God enough for sending me here. I don't deserve this education, but for some reason He sent me the unbelievable blessing of attending this school. Our family is blessed enough to have a good financial situation. .. I don't really know what i've been complaining about lately. I have an amazing life. It's not perfect, but there are so many blessings in it...Honestly... i'm just speechless when I think about this stuff... What is even more precious than all of these things: God has given me forgiveness, hope, fulfillment, and unbelievable love... Well now I feel dumb. What on earth do I have to complain about??